the pain will never go away

I was (and still am) on this high where I thought no one could touch me. And as much as I hate to admit it and as much as I want to deny it, you did. Even if it was just a little. Not that I am at all in the same state you left me in or the same me for that matter, but it still.. hurts. Not in that heartbreak-heartache kinda way anymore, but more like a that's always gonna be there sorta hurt. Cause you see, that heartbreak-heartache shit was a different me. I've changed since then. And I'm changing every goddamn day and that's why I'm not bitter. Cause I get it. I get that feelings change, I get that people change. I've been there. I am there. But no matter what, because I am human, because I have the ability to feel and hold memories... shit will still hit me like the first time it did. Never the same but always just as hard. And all I can say is, fuck. Not fuck you. Not fuck me. Not fuck life. But just.... fuck.

Fuck because the first cut is always the motherfucking deepest.

Fuck because someone with age and experience on their side told me, "Yeah... the pain never really goes away. And the worst part is that it hurts that much every single time it happens."

Everyone's gotta go through it once, your first real heartbreak. And no matter how it happens, what happens or how you deal with it, life goes on. And, you don't regret it. You acknowledge and appreciate the rawness and realness of what happened and you move on. Because it all happens for a reason in God's plan and there will always be another one. You learn from the last and each time you grow. You raise the bar for yourself and for everyone else because you learn more and more about your worth; what you deserve, what you want and what you don't. And you'll just know when that is that. Because from that bar you both reached, you just continue to grow and set new ones.

It's that moment when you find them and you think, "It always feels like there is just one person in this world to love - and then you find somebody else. And it just seems crazy that you were ever worried in the first place."

So I'll probably stumble across him one day. He will surprise me as all the others did at those times where I just stopped. I stopped looking. I stopped wanting, needing and just stopped. That is when he'll find me.

So for now, I'm too busy loving myself and everybody else. For that is the love that will always conquer the pain that will never go away. My love.