what you want

I must admit, that it's hard to not think about this when you've gone through a couple of "relationships" with guys... whether it simply be infatuation, lust, a crush, "seeing each other," or actually going out/boyfriend-girlfriend...

It's hard not to not think that you always turned out to be not what the other person wanted.

Speaking from the viewpoint of someone whose never "dumped" someone (disregarding grade 8 LOL) but more so kept away from the ones that didn't have a fighting chance... Ultimately, everyone..... left.

Sooner or later, one by one, each of them left. Reasons varying, reasons that still remain unknown to me (and even to some of them) - they all left. Many didn't leave my life entirely for on the contrary, I may be starting to have the rep of having ex'es for best friends. But my view of them and vice versa, changed. I moved on, they moved on - many happily with someone else.

I guess, I just can't wrap my head around the fact that I don't think I ever did anything wrong yet they still left. Not saying that I am flawless or the chemistry was always fully there but what I'm saying is that... I never flirted with other people, "cheated," lied, manipulated... I put my best outfit on each time I saw them and tried to be as thoughtful as I could when I wasn't with them. I was myself. Whatever variation of myself I was at the time, I was true to it. And it's hard to hear that, that wasn't good enough. That wasn't enough for them to stay. You at your best wasn't enough for them to not leave. It's as if, they liked you at first (the outer shell) to try and get to know you but once they got to the core of you, they didn't like what they saw and left; left you hanging, left straight up and told you, or left before it got any deeper.

And as harsh as that reality is, it ain't wrong. I'm not saying it doesn't happen to me. All of us say to "do you" so we look out for ourselves. We, in every right that we have, are selfish and picky because why wouldn't we try to look for what we really want? Why would we settle for something any less than? If we have one shot/one opportunity/one person we get to choose in the end, why not the one you really want.

I guess, all I can say is that to whoever my "next guy" is, to get this message. That, the second you start thinking about leaving me as all the rest have... take a good look. I mean, really look. Take a good look at what you're leaving and who you think you're leaving me for. I'm sure that sounds in every way as egotistical as it does in my head but forgive me for my last wish before you do leave.

I no where in hell believe I am exactly what anybody wants,

but maybe, just maybe, what you realize that you do want.

the pain will never go away

I was (and still am) on this high where I thought no one could touch me. And as much as I hate to admit it and as much as I want to deny it, you did. Even if it was just a little. Not that I am at all in the same state you left me in or the same me for that matter, but it still.. hurts. Not in that heartbreak-heartache kinda way anymore, but more like a that's always gonna be there sorta hurt. Cause you see, that heartbreak-heartache shit was a different me. I've changed since then. And I'm changing every goddamn day and that's why I'm not bitter. Cause I get it. I get that feelings change, I get that people change. I've been there. I am there. But no matter what, because I am human, because I have the ability to feel and hold memories... shit will still hit me like the first time it did. Never the same but always just as hard. And all I can say is, fuck. Not fuck you. Not fuck me. Not fuck life. But just.... fuck.

Fuck because the first cut is always the motherfucking deepest.

Fuck because someone with age and experience on their side told me, "Yeah... the pain never really goes away. And the worst part is that it hurts that much every single time it happens."

Everyone's gotta go through it once, your first real heartbreak. And no matter how it happens, what happens or how you deal with it, life goes on. And, you don't regret it. You acknowledge and appreciate the rawness and realness of what happened and you move on. Because it all happens for a reason in God's plan and there will always be another one. You learn from the last and each time you grow. You raise the bar for yourself and for everyone else because you learn more and more about your worth; what you deserve, what you want and what you don't. And you'll just know when that is that. Because from that bar you both reached, you just continue to grow and set new ones.

It's that moment when you find them and you think, "It always feels like there is just one person in this world to love - and then you find somebody else. And it just seems crazy that you were ever worried in the first place."

So I'll probably stumble across him one day. He will surprise me as all the others did at those times where I just stopped. I stopped looking. I stopped wanting, needing and just stopped. That is when he'll find me.

So for now, I'm too busy loving myself and everybody else. For that is the love that will always conquer the pain that will never go away. My love.

tomorrow is a new day

I don't believe in new year's resolutions anymore because why wait a whole new year to change and improve yourself? Why can't you thrive and make goals for yourself every new day? So... it's just a coincidence that tomorrow happens to be a new day AND a new year. Regardless... I'm only focusing on three things.

1. Eating healthier,
2. Praying more often and better, and
3. Doing what I love - with a large focus on photography.

Simple enough. I'll let other goals come into play when they need to. However, now that I think of 2011, there are actually a lot of things for me to look forward to...

• 2+ months full of Theatre Temp, Shakespeare, lines, scripts, late night rehearsals, at school on pro-d's and weekends, hummus, pita, fruit, veggies, tea, Tentatsu sushi, green tea ice cream and Subway
• Crazy Student Council antics
• Late night cotillion practices
• Prom/debut weekend = death
• Graduation
• Sun
• Spain and Italy in August
• University

A lot can happen in 365 days; life changing stuff even. I can't even remember that far back into 2010 to reminisce and thank it, so heck... why live in the past? Here's to the next 365.

Here's to a new day.