I've currently given up reading 12 pages of death for my English class (the content is so DRY). But there was something that did stick out in the first 5 pages I dragged myself to read.
"We don't ever see "reality" directly; we frame a model of it. Reality, therefore, is inseparable from the questions people pose about it and from the way they describe it."
- excerpt from the Approach of this Anthology in the Lexington Introduction to Literature
I feel like it's one of those "A HA!" moments in life; where the things around you, and something you're going through just sort of click. (And of course, the love child of those two things in my case, always seems to be a blog.) So maybe this is His way of revealing something to me, having my school work and my dreams have the same subliminal message. At first, I thought my dreams today (from my favorite after school nap) were trying to tell me I was lonely. In today's dream, I was trying on the snapback of someone I used to talk to all the time. After, I was laying on the stomach of someone's stomach (who I couldn't clearly recognize) looking in awe at the most amazing nebula, ever. I feel like an idiot for stating it but hey, I'm human. Humans get lonely. But after re-reading that excerpt above, I began thinking that I only thought I was lonely because it was what made seemed most logical. When in fact, "..."reality" is the product of interpretation and perception: it is not stable and fixed, or detached from our own experiences of it." I had interpreted that those imaginary "moments" with "someone" were a result of my own unsaid personal needs/wants.
But the thing is, that's... a lie.
Honestly speaking, I obviously still do get the occasional feeling that I'll be forever alone. But like I said, I'm human. And at this point, I've come to the conclusion that I really don't want anything. Sure, it'd be nice, but I don't need it. When it happens, it happens. But what I mean is, in my current reality (no pun intended - unintentional shameful tumblr promotion), I have no reason to be or really am lonely. Despite the animosity I had going back to school, I hate to jinx it but I actually think, I'm... good (for lack of a better word). I have made grown-up decisions about things that I want for my life and cut the unnecessary bullsh?t when needed. I have great things going for me: a decent schedule with classes I'm actually interested in, a manageable workload, a great start to my year as Student Council president, lovely people I choose to surround myself with, and a healthy amount of stress in my life. I and those around me, are surprised with how cool, calm and collected I've been. I'm being constantly surprised by sweet messages and reminders from people I love. I have things that have potential to grow in my life and things seem like they aren't actually looking so bad... My body is obviously not used to this considering that I forced myself to wake up thinking it was 11:30 pm (when it was really only 8:30) and thought I had homework that needed immediate attending to (but didn't).
So what I guess what I'm just trying to say is that, for once in what seems to be forever.