sweet n' sour

it's been an interesting week and must admit that calling it dramatic would be a ridiculous understatement.

life has been like a bad filipino soap opera, a play by william shakespeare, and even like an episode of skins UK (and i am not in the slightest bit exaggerating)

but i'm happy to say i found my smile again.
there's a slight bitterness to it, cus when I gained one, i mighta lost another dearest.
but time will tell.

for now, i smile.

welcome to heartbreak, part 3

it's always after every conversation i have like this... filled with tears and word vomit... after every desperate grasp at something that was never mine, fleeting... after all the ways i could embarrass myself... i get this moment of... clarity.

maybe not clarity per se, but i seem to always reach this state of paralyzation. i feel numb. i don't know what to think. i listen to any possible kind of music and feel absolutely nothing. i talk about my feelings to anyone who will listen. but after all of that, i don't feel anything.

"Why is it such a struggle to love when it's so easy to hate?"

(a quote from a friend's twitter)

i give. i give. i give.
i love. i love. i love.
i get hurt. I get hurt. I get hurt.
three times it's been and yet, i seem to (a) never learn and (b) never hated.

should i hate you? or do i really hate myself?

the thought is fleeting... it's passing... it's gone...

why do all the tough lessons have to hurt?

cue endless love. cue susie blue. cue clarity. i could cue every song in the book that makes sense with this post but none of them would matter.

because i don't feel anything.

i am numb.