early morning ramblings VII

tension

in retrospect, i'm probably being a huge jerk and disrespectful. i'm aware of that. but moreso lately that i seem to never be able to see eye-to-eye with you. it's like a constant struggle with you. if we're not disagreeing, we're arguing. if we're not arguing, we're shouting. if we're not shouting, we're cutting each other off. i am grateful for everything you do but for some reason, it's like theres this irritated tension between us. everything i do annoys you. everything you do annoys me.

i can't help but think, can we just chill the fuck out?!!?!?!!

early morning ramblings VI

nevermind

why do i even bother? i hate how of all the things i seem to take after you, it's the worst things. you are so goddamn sensitive yet harsh. it's impossible to deal with. your tone is cold and you're always so condescending; it makes me feel like shit. then, when i want to just drop it and let it go, thus saying "nevermind," you suddenly become so defensive. claiming i'm hurting you and am wrong. HOW DOES ONE DEAL WITH THAT. yes, i speak on impulse. yes, i can admit when i am in the wrong. but when you twist shit like this and somehow always make it about you and your feelings, never mine or others. yeah, you're right. maybe it's better if i just don't say anything... ever.

you're welcome.

early morning ramblings V

absence makes the heart grow fonder

"The joy of meeting pays the pangs of absence; else who could bear it?" - Nicholas Rowe

I wish I was there for your first birthday. I wish I was there so I could watch you grow up. I wish I was there so I could shower you in gifts, hugs and kisses. I wish I could be there to just take care of you, to babysit you.  I wish I could be there to teach you how to treat a young lady, how to dress and how to win the hearts of all the girls in the world. You're so big now but you will always be my cute little, Santino. Your smile was beautiful before but now more than ever, now that your teeth has grown in.

I miss you. 

The greatest gift anyone could give me would be to see you again.

early morning ramblings IV

i want to get off the roller coaster

Finally got out of a bad place. Paid the consequences and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed in myself. But it's a new term; taking this as a wake up call. A motherfucking slap to the face is what this is. Yeah, no one believes I can handle my shit.. the shit I have now taken on. But I'm sorry that you see my release of emotions as weakness. I'm sorry that you think I cry things out because I'm weak. I'm sorry that I'm so willing to shed a fucking tear out of my human body. But hey, how I look at is... I'm BRAVE enough to cry. I'm SMART enough to let what I'm feeling out. And I'm SORRY if you don't think I can hold my ground. Every time, I get stronger... once I hit these lows... it's only UP from here. Like a roller coaster. But I'm tired of riding it. It's the same high and the same low everyfuckingtime. I just want some balance.

BRB... determined to find it.

early morning ramblings III

fuck the world

Kind of in the mood where all I want to say is FUCK YOU to everything and everyone. I've worked my ass off only to realize there is not enough time in the day to accomplish everything in one sitting. Not even going to Kelowna anymore because of bullshit adminstration. Guess that means more time for me to get my shit together, right?

Now...where the fuck is my Theatre Crit take home exam?! Its due at noon. Seriously...this is just the motherfucking cherry on top. Can't wait to go home tonight.

early morning ramblings II

health vs. school

I'm on the pursuit but it's tough. I'm trying to push myself harder but my body won't let me. These headaches are forcing me to sleep earlier and wake up even earlier. I fell asleep at 10 o'clock tonight with the plan of just taking a 2-hour nap before I kept going. But next thing I know, my mom's telling me to wake up at 3 instead so I get in at least 5 hours. 2 hours of math later, my head hurts again and I feel dead. 3 hours to finish a Comparative Civilizations presentation. Seems easy enough, but it's my body that won't let me. It wants to rest, take care of itself... have a break. I know myself too well that if I sleep now, I'll never wake up. I have to ace all o' dis. I have to do my best. I have to graduate. I have to get into universities. I have to.

But when will I know when enough is enough? When will I know that this is my limit and just accept it?

Reminder to self: You can't go to university when you're dead.

early morning ramblings I

same shit, different year

What else is new? I'm buried in schoolwork. I've lost my sense in priority. There never seems to be enough time in the day, week, month, year. And I'm too pussy to deal with any of my shit head on.

It's embarrassing really. To be known as a "good student" when in fact I'm this lazy motherfucker who doesn't apply herself and lets extra-curriculars rule her life. Maybe it was karma at its finest bitchery that I got hit with some sort of flu and weave of sinus headaches last week, making me miss more school (which I love) but in turn, screws me the fuck over.

Here I sit, skipping first block (what else is new?) studying for a lunch-time make up test. I hide from my teachers out of shame and avoid my peers out of pride. I've cried wolf one too many times and have asked for help already. But still, I am stuck in this slump where I have so much shit to do, I don't even know where to start.

Things are definitely easier said than done. I swear, this is the same shit but just a different year. Except, this year counts. THIS YEAR FUCKING COUNTS. I don't know why that isn't pushing me to work harder, faster, better, stronger. It scares me because this "attitude" I've been having towards my education, is going to get me nowhere. I've lost my sense of drive, determination and hardworking nature. But funny, because I've still been stuck with perfection. My attitude is that if it's not perfect, don't hand it in. Bullshit, right? Yeah, I'm sort of fucked up.

This isn't a post where I've reached some sort of epiphany... because I know everything that I'm supposed to know and do in this situation: TO JUST DO IT. Been here one too many times and trust me, the view ain't so pretty.

Excuse me while I become anti-social until Christmas Break.