finally

Thank, you. See you in May y'all.

tomorrow is a new day

I don't believe in new year's resolutions anymore because why wait a whole new year to change and improve yourself? Why can't you thrive and make goals for yourself every new day? So... it's just a coincidence that tomorrow happens to be a new day AND a new year. Regardless... I'm only focusing on three things.

1. Eating healthier,
2. Praying more often and better, and
3. Doing what I love - with a large focus on photography.

Simple enough. I'll let other goals come into play when they need to. However, now that I think of 2011, there are actually a lot of things for me to look forward to...

• 2+ months full of Theatre Temp, Shakespeare, lines, scripts, late night rehearsals, at school on pro-d's and weekends, hummus, pita, fruit, veggies, tea, Tentatsu sushi, green tea ice cream and Subway
• Crazy Student Council antics
• Late night cotillion practices
• Prom/debut weekend = death
• Graduation
• Sun
• Spain and Italy in August
• University

A lot can happen in 365 days; life changing stuff even. I can't even remember that far back into 2010 to reminisce and thank it, so heck... why live in the past? Here's to the next 365.

Here's to a new day.

talk the talk, walk the walk

No, not THAT talk. The talk. Y'know, the talk.

The talk that was always in conversation but at the same time, was never really in conversation. The talk that gets brought up every other talk and the times it isn't being talked about it, it's being talked about in your head.

The talk about, the future.

It's frustrating/annoying yet enlightening/comforting to be given advice on it. Frustrating and annoying because I don't want to hear everyone else's thoughts on my own future that has yet to be told. But at the same time, the advice is enlightening, as it always gets me thinking and comforting because they care.

I like this. I like that. I don't like this. I don't like that. There are if's, but's, um's, and maybe's everywhere along my "at-this-very-moment plan" which brings me to one conclusion: I. Don't. Know. I don't know anything for sure. Plans change. Degree's change. Paths change. What I do know is that this talk... is finally becoming an actual talk.

And next thing I know... a walk.

the final push

Last day of school tomorrow and I'm hopefully on my last all-nighter (for homework) of 2010. Geo project due tomorrow and English assignment. I WILL FINISH YOU BOTH. Gotta pull off a Christmas Celebration for the whole day tomorrow too and somehow have the Food Bank finally pick up our dozens of boxes of food donations! (Good job btw, Temp!) But after that, I get to join with everyone else already enjoying their Christmas break and maybe even get a sense of FREEDOM.... at least for a little bit.

This break, I plan to:

• start memorizing my 43593213 lines for Hermia
• do the French project avec Jessica asap </3
• start new knitting projects!
• attend 345493 christmas get togethers
• make last minute christmas cards
• family bond for hours
• pick up my neglected baby and spend some quality time (my Nikon)
• relax and rejuvenate

Just need to survive the next 14 hours and I can officially be freeeeeeeee. 

one more time

if i could go back in time...

early morning ramblings IV

i want to get off the roller coaster

Finally got out of a bad place. Paid the consequences and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed in myself. But it's a new term; taking this as a wake up call. A motherfucking slap to the face is what this is. Yeah, no one believes I can handle my shit.. the shit I have now taken on. But I'm sorry that you see my release of emotions as weakness. I'm sorry that you think I cry things out because I'm weak. I'm sorry that I'm so willing to shed a fucking tear out of my human body. But hey, how I look at is... I'm BRAVE enough to cry. I'm SMART enough to let what I'm feeling out. And I'm SORRY if you don't think I can hold my ground. Every time, I get stronger... once I hit these lows... it's only UP from here. Like a roller coaster. But I'm tired of riding it. It's the same high and the same low everyfuckingtime. I just want some balance.

BRB... determined to find it.

"do what you love"

At what point, does one allow practicality to be beaten by passion?
At what point, is enough... enough?
At what point, does one know if they made the right decision?
At what point, does one know if it was all worth it?

You're right. You're right. He's right. She's right. They're right.

Do what you love, they say.
Don't take on too much, they say.
Delegate, they say.
Set your priorities straight, they say.

But what do I say?

edit: I say, Let Go and Let God.

early morning ramblings III

fuck the world

Kind of in the mood where all I want to say is FUCK YOU to everything and everyone. I've worked my ass off only to realize there is not enough time in the day to accomplish everything in one sitting. Not even going to Kelowna anymore because of bullshit adminstration. Guess that means more time for me to get my shit together, right?

Now...where the fuck is my Theatre Crit take home exam?! Its due at noon. Seriously...this is just the motherfucking cherry on top. Can't wait to go home tonight.

early morning ramblings II

health vs. school

I'm on the pursuit but it's tough. I'm trying to push myself harder but my body won't let me. These headaches are forcing me to sleep earlier and wake up even earlier. I fell asleep at 10 o'clock tonight with the plan of just taking a 2-hour nap before I kept going. But next thing I know, my mom's telling me to wake up at 3 instead so I get in at least 5 hours. 2 hours of math later, my head hurts again and I feel dead. 3 hours to finish a Comparative Civilizations presentation. Seems easy enough, but it's my body that won't let me. It wants to rest, take care of itself... have a break. I know myself too well that if I sleep now, I'll never wake up. I have to ace all o' dis. I have to do my best. I have to graduate. I have to get into universities. I have to.

But when will I know when enough is enough? When will I know that this is my limit and just accept it?

Reminder to self: You can't go to university when you're dead.

early morning ramblings I

same shit, different year

What else is new? I'm buried in schoolwork. I've lost my sense in priority. There never seems to be enough time in the day, week, month, year. And I'm too pussy to deal with any of my shit head on.

It's embarrassing really. To be known as a "good student" when in fact I'm this lazy motherfucker who doesn't apply herself and lets extra-curriculars rule her life. Maybe it was karma at its finest bitchery that I got hit with some sort of flu and weave of sinus headaches last week, making me miss more school (which I love) but in turn, screws me the fuck over.

Here I sit, skipping first block (what else is new?) studying for a lunch-time make up test. I hide from my teachers out of shame and avoid my peers out of pride. I've cried wolf one too many times and have asked for help already. But still, I am stuck in this slump where I have so much shit to do, I don't even know where to start.

Things are definitely easier said than done. I swear, this is the same shit but just a different year. Except, this year counts. THIS YEAR FUCKING COUNTS. I don't know why that isn't pushing me to work harder, faster, better, stronger. It scares me because this "attitude" I've been having towards my education, is going to get me nowhere. I've lost my sense of drive, determination and hardworking nature. But funny, because I've still been stuck with perfection. My attitude is that if it's not perfect, don't hand it in. Bullshit, right? Yeah, I'm sort of fucked up.

This isn't a post where I've reached some sort of epiphany... because I know everything that I'm supposed to know and do in this situation: TO JUST DO IT. Been here one too many times and trust me, the view ain't so pretty.

Excuse me while I become anti-social until Christmas Break.

Autumn

So, I used to think that my favorite season was Summer. On paper, the season was/is perfect; no school, sun all day (theoretically), and good times all around. But with Summer's perceived perfections comes high expectations and quick assumptions. We all look forward to our Summer. We create plans for it and have a general idea of how it's going to turn out. And almost every single time, we're wrong. We never really know how it turns out in the end. Whether it exceeds our expectations or doesn't reach its peak, Summer never is what we originally hoped it to be.

But now, why I think I like Autumn more than Summer is the fact this year, it was unexpected. The coldness of Autumn was like a shock to the nerves I forgot I had. It surprised me and is still surprising me everyday. Everyday I meet Autumn, feels different from the last. But at the same time, it just feels so... right; almost natural. In what seems to be forever, I am simply letting the leaves fall where they may (and they have taken quite the pattern).

They say, no two Summers were ever the same. But why can't we apply that to Autumn? Each time it hits, it's different. Frankly, it's refreshing to feel completely in sync with a season. My nights are comfortable and my days feel brighter than any Summer day I could think of. Summer just feels the same all day-round. Warm; which of course, has its benefits but who doesn't like freezing hands and warmer drinks once in a while?

Anyways, thanks for sneaking up on me Autumn. Who knows, I just might start calling you... Fall.

Oh, the places we'll go...

Rarely is one put in the company of such great potential. As the song, All My Life blasted in the SPL Barn on Thursday night, I could not help but just, stare. I stared at the linked arms of my classmates and I and couldn't help but think of how each of them were gonna make it SO WELL one day. I have been blessed to know future dentists, doctors, engineers, and cake decorators... the list goes on. To learn of each person's aspirations for the upcoming years on this trip was a trip (or a mindf?ck in Maddie's words). Some people might go to Oxford, others across the country, some down to the States... and all I can say is that, I'm jealous. I'm jealous because I am 100% sure you guys will and I do not know that for myself. But I know all of you well enough to know that whatever <insert big name university here> any of you apply to, would be a fool not to accept you. The work ethic that we've all developed from literally hundreds of Kuniss assignments has given us the educational advantage over anyone else I can think of. But not only that, the passion and heart we've all revealed to each other throughout the years about whatever we do, has probably the biggest ONE-UP for us in this crazy high-school life.

"All things are ready, if our minds be so." - Act 3, Scene 1 from Henry V

We are all so ready for much greater things. Just forget the juvenile high-school mentality, Mini fam, we're bigger than all of this. This is just the beginning. Wherever our bright futures may lead us, just know that I will never forget each of you and you know, that you can always come back to me for anything. Like Dr. Vera said, one day, I'm going to pick up the phone from one of you and it's going to be like no time has even passed.

So go on, go ahead. Run. At full speed, run. This is your race now. No more Strathcona, Apex, Bamfield, Kuniss, Vera, Lawrence, isolated Mini School hallway; it's all you now. So run. But don't forget to look back once in a while. Because knowing us, we'll probably be on either side trying to out-run you, because that's what families do. We are competitive with each other, we fight, we laugh, we cry - and all it does is push us further and makes us stronger.

Mini Grad XI, 

Here's to us.

We're almost there.

I love you all.

My sincerest good luck.

- Your one and only Camel

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.


- Oh! The Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss

G.O.O.D

I've currently given up reading 12 pages of death for my English class (the content is so DRY). But there was something that did stick out in the first 5 pages I dragged myself to read.

"We don't ever see "reality" directly; we frame a model of it. Reality, therefore, is inseparable from the questions people pose about it and from the way they describe it."

- excerpt from the Approach of this Anthology in the Lexington Introduction to Literature


I feel like it's one of those "A HA!" moments in life; where the things around you, and something you're going through just sort of click. (And of course, the love child of those two things in my case, always seems to be a blog.)  So maybe this is His way of revealing something to me, having my school work and my dreams have the same subliminal message. At first, I thought my dreams today (from my favorite after school nap) were trying to tell me I was lonely. In today's dream, I was trying on the snapback of someone I used to talk to all the time. After, I was laying on the stomach of someone's stomach (who I couldn't clearly recognize) looking in awe at the most amazing nebula, ever. I feel like an idiot for stating it but hey, I'm human. Humans get lonely. But after re-reading that excerpt above, I began thinking that I only thought I was lonely because it was what made seemed most logical. When in fact, "..."reality" is the product of interpretation and perception: it is not stable and fixed, or detached from our own experiences of it." I had interpreted that  those imaginary "moments" with "someone" were a result of my own unsaid personal needs/wants.

But the thing is, that's... a lie.

Honestly speaking, I obviously still do get the occasional feeling that I'll be forever alone. But like I said, I'm human. And at this point, I've come to the conclusion that I really don't want anything. Sure, it'd be nice, but I don't need it. When it happens, it happens. But what I mean is, in my current reality (no pun intended - unintentional shameful tumblr promotion), I have no reason to be or really am lonely. Despite the animosity I had going back to school, I hate to jinx it but I actually think, I'm... good (for lack of a better word). I have made grown-up decisions about things that I want for my life and cut the unnecessary bullsh?t when needed. I have great things going for me: a decent schedule with classes I'm actually interested in, a manageable workload, a great start to my year as Student Council president, lovely people I choose to surround myself with, and a healthy amount of stress in my life. I and those around me, are surprised with how cool, calm and collected I've been. I'm being constantly surprised by sweet messages and reminders from people I love. I have things that have potential to grow in my life and things seem like they aren't actually looking so bad... My body is obviously not used to this considering that I forced myself to wake up thinking it was 11:30 pm (when it was really only 8:30) and thought I had homework that needed immediate attending to (but didn't).

So what I guess what I'm just trying to say is that, for once in what seems to be forever.

I'm...
...good.