welcome to heartbreak, part 3

it's always after every conversation i have like this... filled with tears and word vomit... after every desperate grasp at something that was never mine, fleeting... after all the ways i could embarrass myself... i get this moment of... clarity.

maybe not clarity per se, but i seem to always reach this state of paralyzation. i feel numb. i don't know what to think. i listen to any possible kind of music and feel absolutely nothing. i talk about my feelings to anyone who will listen. but after all of that, i don't feel anything.

"Why is it such a struggle to love when it's so easy to hate?"

(a quote from a friend's twitter)

i give. i give. i give.
i love. i love. i love.
i get hurt. I get hurt. I get hurt.
three times it's been and yet, i seem to (a) never learn and (b) never hated.

should i hate you? or do i really hate myself?

the thought is fleeting... it's passing... it's gone...

why do all the tough lessons have to hurt?

cue endless love. cue susie blue. cue clarity. i could cue every song in the book that makes sense with this post but none of them would matter.

because i don't feel anything.

i am numb.

breakaway

absolutely can't wait to live on my own. be free from having to ask for permission to go to things. run on my own time. live by the honourable values and morals that i learned from my parents but not have to constantly have them drilled into my head as if i'm a 1-year-old trying to stay out later than 9 pm on a thursday night.

i'm young enough to be looked out for but old enough to make my own decisions.

maybe one day you should just give up on me. one day you need to let go of me. i'm growing up. and even though you might not be happy that you can't keep your little girl on a tight leash and stop her from growing up, at least be content knowing that she's a young, independent woman whose just as strong as you.

don't forget, you're the one who raised me.

365 days

... of good conversation.
... of love.
... of laughs.
... of heartbreak.
... of tears.
... of growing up.
... of plans.
... of friendship.

thanks.

esy x spain

take me back...

say what you need to say

catching up with an old friend the other day and somehow it came up that we both agree: people who hate everything and say "fuck the world" just aren't interesting. they're boring. sure, anybody appreciates the honesty of someone who doesn't care about what other people think, step to the beat of their own drum but people who simply don't care about ANYTHING are lame (for lack of a better term).

it seems like the ones who matter the most lately, are the ones who just don't seem to get it. i care. and sure, maybe a little too much sometimes but, i like joining a million clubs on top of my schoolwork. i like coming home late knowing i spent my day productively. i like being independent. i like being ambitious and putting myself out there. i like apologizing when i'm wrong/make a mistake. i like putting others first before myself. i like caring about things like the environment, people and how your day is going.

"it's okay to make mistakes though as it forces you to reflect on your personality."

i'm sitting here reflecting for the past 2 days and nights and just feel like i can't seem to do things right. i take in what everyone else is feeling and i bring those things straight to my heart. and those things in my heart, i care about with all i can. you can say something's wrong with me... depressed, even. but it's because i care. about things. about my friends. about my family. i care and maybe a little too much...

waiting game

"The faculty you have applied for has expressed interest in reviewing the additional information you provided us when you submitted your supplemental application. This will take some additional time. We will notify you by email as soon as the faculty has made their decision. We understand that this additional wait is difficult, and we thank you for your patience."


HATE. THIS. ASDfhjfdkrelqJ4HI32HIQKWEASDFLASK

lovefool

I love my friends. Straight up.

Today was another one of those reminders of how blessed I am to have such great people in my life. From spending the morning and afternoon with my girl downtown and volunteering, nothing seemed like a job when you were in the right company. Afterwards, meeting up with one of favorite people in the world... it was non-stop laughs from there. And afterwards pairing us with our other best friends?! Recipe for absolute mayhem. Squealing, hugs, going into a bird cage, girl lurking behind us, "FLO0O0OZY!!" Never a dull moment and couldn't ask for anything more... Straight up. I love my friends :')

And then... a slap to the face. It hurts.

Yes, I admit my mistakes are chronic and hurt other people (I'm human!!!) but what is so hard to explain is how much harder I am on myself after the fact. I suck up my pride. I suck up my personal values. I suck up the fighting spirit that they taught me because all I do is hurt one way or another so I might as well please someone.

But whatever happens, I always... Love. It might be a blessing, but it's definitely part curse. Because no matter what someone does to me, says to me or happens to me.... I will always love. Whether or not it is returned, I will love. I will love my friends, even when they don't want to be mine. I will love my parents, even when it feels like I can't. I will love all the ones who hurt me, even when they were the ones who were never supposed to in the first place. Call me a lovefool, call me crazy, but I will always love.

Whether or not, I (or others) love me? Well... that's a different question.

theatre magic

Even if a picture means a thousand words… this one and the memories along with it will always leave me speechless.

Theatre Temp, you the love of my life.
I am truly blessed to be able to experience a love like this.

Feeling pretty nostalgic as it's been my friends' play week this week and with one ending tonight and the other drawing to a close tomorrow... I can't help but know exactly how they feel. Mind you, I've somewhat been living vicariously through them because poor ol' me, never had the "I MISS THEATRE TEMP" quite hit me post-production. But now, being reminded of some things... I can't help but feel compelled to address something.

Despite our differences as individual theatre programs... it's neat to see that no matter what company/production you're in... Us "theatre kids" have this elusive "thing." This "thing" is just untouchable. This became clear when I met up with the St. Pat's gang earlier today at Oakridge during their break. For one, the huge clump of high schoolers blocking the entrance to the White Spot could be seen as either a rather odd grouping of people (to those who may know them) or to the trained eye... a family. Looking from the outside in and knowing how it felt to be in that odd clump myself, it was kinda weird as I swear it was like a mirror image of the several Theatre Temp clumps in the Film Studio. As I tagged along, I started to get an inside peak at only the tip of their group's own set of traditions. As I joined in on the galivanting along 41st, making trucks and cars honk at us; it was like deja vu as I felt like I was belting out songs on Commercial Drive just yesterday. Traditions and antics that seemed unique to each group are really just all the same; reflections of each other. Which brings me back to that..."thing." This "thing" is something that we all share. We have our own variations of it but that cool elusive thing that only us theatre kids get to experience...is that magic. It's those single spurts of pure magic that you only notice in hindsight. Looking back, what was it that made you jump on your stage manager's back in the middle of a crowded mall? What was it that made you give that guy you saw in the hallways half of your sandwich? It's... that magic. Simply put. You don't notice it in the moment. But it's that weird crazy indescribable power that being in theatre has. And I think that's why so many people love it. Not before they do it, but during it. At one point, that magic inspires each and everyone of us and gives us that single thought of, "Wouldn't it be neat... if I did this for the rest of my life?" And those who act on it, it just keeps being reflected into the next person. Because, the only way you can have that "theatre magic" is well.... with magic.

before i forget some of my own moments of magic...

• "CAN WE HAVE FOCUS IN THE PHILIPPINES PLEASE?" - Mike Stack
• spontaneous bad romance dance party on stage
• oo, i feel so good
• what it to do?
• hugging everyone 9213209721367 times
• mount lumpy
• mr. c 
• "the pain does go away"
• company bow
• raise your glass
• circle of hands
• just you > lovers' > cast family
• "these hands depend on you and you depend on them so GO BIG or GO HOME"
• faerie-related accidents
• moss exams
• faerie time care package
...and many more exclusive to only... me ;)

what you want

I must admit, that it's hard to not think about this when you've gone through a couple of "relationships" with guys... whether it simply be infatuation, lust, a crush, "seeing each other," or actually going out/boyfriend-girlfriend...

It's hard not to not think that you always turned out to be not what the other person wanted.

Speaking from the viewpoint of someone whose never "dumped" someone (disregarding grade 8 LOL) but more so kept away from the ones that didn't have a fighting chance... Ultimately, everyone..... left.

Sooner or later, one by one, each of them left. Reasons varying, reasons that still remain unknown to me (and even to some of them) - they all left. Many didn't leave my life entirely for on the contrary, I may be starting to have the rep of having ex'es for best friends. But my view of them and vice versa, changed. I moved on, they moved on - many happily with someone else.

I guess, I just can't wrap my head around the fact that I don't think I ever did anything wrong yet they still left. Not saying that I am flawless or the chemistry was always fully there but what I'm saying is that... I never flirted with other people, "cheated," lied, manipulated... I put my best outfit on each time I saw them and tried to be as thoughtful as I could when I wasn't with them. I was myself. Whatever variation of myself I was at the time, I was true to it. And it's hard to hear that, that wasn't good enough. That wasn't enough for them to stay. You at your best wasn't enough for them to not leave. It's as if, they liked you at first (the outer shell) to try and get to know you but once they got to the core of you, they didn't like what they saw and left; left you hanging, left straight up and told you, or left before it got any deeper.

And as harsh as that reality is, it ain't wrong. I'm not saying it doesn't happen to me. All of us say to "do you" so we look out for ourselves. We, in every right that we have, are selfish and picky because why wouldn't we try to look for what we really want? Why would we settle for something any less than? If we have one shot/one opportunity/one person we get to choose in the end, why not the one you really want.

I guess, all I can say is that to whoever my "next guy" is, to get this message. That, the second you start thinking about leaving me as all the rest have... take a good look. I mean, really look. Take a good look at what you're leaving and who you think you're leaving me for. I'm sure that sounds in every way as egotistical as it does in my head but forgive me for my last wish before you do leave.

I no where in hell believe I am exactly what anybody wants,

but maybe, just maybe, what you realize that you do want.

the pain will never go away

I was (and still am) on this high where I thought no one could touch me. And as much as I hate to admit it and as much as I want to deny it, you did. Even if it was just a little. Not that I am at all in the same state you left me in or the same me for that matter, but it still.. hurts. Not in that heartbreak-heartache kinda way anymore, but more like a that's always gonna be there sorta hurt. Cause you see, that heartbreak-heartache shit was a different me. I've changed since then. And I'm changing every goddamn day and that's why I'm not bitter. Cause I get it. I get that feelings change, I get that people change. I've been there. I am there. But no matter what, because I am human, because I have the ability to feel and hold memories... shit will still hit me like the first time it did. Never the same but always just as hard. And all I can say is, fuck. Not fuck you. Not fuck me. Not fuck life. But just.... fuck.

Fuck because the first cut is always the motherfucking deepest.

Fuck because someone with age and experience on their side told me, "Yeah... the pain never really goes away. And the worst part is that it hurts that much every single time it happens."

Everyone's gotta go through it once, your first real heartbreak. And no matter how it happens, what happens or how you deal with it, life goes on. And, you don't regret it. You acknowledge and appreciate the rawness and realness of what happened and you move on. Because it all happens for a reason in God's plan and there will always be another one. You learn from the last and each time you grow. You raise the bar for yourself and for everyone else because you learn more and more about your worth; what you deserve, what you want and what you don't. And you'll just know when that is that. Because from that bar you both reached, you just continue to grow and set new ones.

It's that moment when you find them and you think, "It always feels like there is just one person in this world to love - and then you find somebody else. And it just seems crazy that you were ever worried in the first place."

So I'll probably stumble across him one day. He will surprise me as all the others did at those times where I just stopped. I stopped looking. I stopped wanting, needing and just stopped. That is when he'll find me.

So for now, I'm too busy loving myself and everybody else. For that is the love that will always conquer the pain that will never go away. My love.

my heart hurts

I was afraid to take the risk. I was hesitant. But somehow in the shuffle of things, it felt right. You feel like a douche but I feel like a dumbass. I feel like a dumbass because I put everything I had into this; a dumbass because every day I was falling harder and harder, you were falling out; a dumbass because I had to wake up this morning and tell myself, HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE; a dumbass because I still do.

My heart hurts. My chest feels lopsided because it feels like there’s something that’s 24532678 pounds in my left side. Everything I have, I carry with this heart. I told you to be careful with it cause it’s the only one I got. And now, I tell myself… so this is heartbreak, huh. This is what it feels like to have your heart ache.

I just can’t believe it nor will I ever understand it. What we had, it was good. So good. Better than the rest, you said. Then why. Why don’t you love me anymore. Why can’t you love me anymore. Why don’t you want to love me anymore. I wish it was a bad dream or a cruel joke because hey, everyday jerk love right?

But it isn’t. And this is why my heart hurts.

like a shot to the gut

....nervous

top of my game

as much as i don't quite have the grades that i would love (100% in everything, please and thanks)... i'm feeling good. i've been on top of my game by doing my best to not fall behind in anything, doing my homework and actually participating in class. who knew. and not only that, but i am so excited to work hard and reap the benefits. instead of going home before rehearsal for my usual double-block nap, i stayed at school and did 3 hours of math. mind you it was agonizing but it felt good to have it finished and not have to put it into my bag at the end of the day. with my newly acquired free time, i now have the freedom to take it easy tonight as i theoretically left my scheduled rehearsal, half an hour late but an hour earlier than my usual end time (for now). tonight's events consist of reading ahead of my script and taking notes from Saliani's book (author) about my lines.

feels good to be on top of my game.
i got this so far.

finally

Thank, you. See you in May y'all.

tomorrow is a new day

I don't believe in new year's resolutions anymore because why wait a whole new year to change and improve yourself? Why can't you thrive and make goals for yourself every new day? So... it's just a coincidence that tomorrow happens to be a new day AND a new year. Regardless... I'm only focusing on three things.

1. Eating healthier,
2. Praying more often and better, and
3. Doing what I love - with a large focus on photography.

Simple enough. I'll let other goals come into play when they need to. However, now that I think of 2011, there are actually a lot of things for me to look forward to...

• 2+ months full of Theatre Temp, Shakespeare, lines, scripts, late night rehearsals, at school on pro-d's and weekends, hummus, pita, fruit, veggies, tea, Tentatsu sushi, green tea ice cream and Subway
• Crazy Student Council antics
• Late night cotillion practices
• Prom/debut weekend = death
• Graduation
• Sun
• Spain and Italy in August
• University

A lot can happen in 365 days; life changing stuff even. I can't even remember that far back into 2010 to reminisce and thank it, so heck... why live in the past? Here's to the next 365.

Here's to a new day.

the final push

Last day of school tomorrow and I'm hopefully on my last all-nighter (for homework) of 2010. Geo project due tomorrow and English assignment. I WILL FINISH YOU BOTH. Gotta pull off a Christmas Celebration for the whole day tomorrow too and somehow have the Food Bank finally pick up our dozens of boxes of food donations! (Good job btw, Temp!) But after that, I get to join with everyone else already enjoying their Christmas break and maybe even get a sense of FREEDOM.... at least for a little bit.

This break, I plan to:

• start memorizing my 43593213 lines for Hermia
• do the French project avec Jessica asap </3
• start new knitting projects!
• attend 345493 christmas get togethers
• make last minute christmas cards
• family bond for hours
• pick up my neglected baby and spend some quality time (my Nikon)
• relax and rejuvenate

Just need to survive the next 14 hours and I can officially be freeeeeeeee. 

one more time

if i could go back in time...

Autumn

So, I used to think that my favorite season was Summer. On paper, the season was/is perfect; no school, sun all day (theoretically), and good times all around. But with Summer's perceived perfections comes high expectations and quick assumptions. We all look forward to our Summer. We create plans for it and have a general idea of how it's going to turn out. And almost every single time, we're wrong. We never really know how it turns out in the end. Whether it exceeds our expectations or doesn't reach its peak, Summer never is what we originally hoped it to be.

But now, why I think I like Autumn more than Summer is the fact this year, it was unexpected. The coldness of Autumn was like a shock to the nerves I forgot I had. It surprised me and is still surprising me everyday. Everyday I meet Autumn, feels different from the last. But at the same time, it just feels so... right; almost natural. In what seems to be forever, I am simply letting the leaves fall where they may (and they have taken quite the pattern).

They say, no two Summers were ever the same. But why can't we apply that to Autumn? Each time it hits, it's different. Frankly, it's refreshing to feel completely in sync with a season. My nights are comfortable and my days feel brighter than any Summer day I could think of. Summer just feels the same all day-round. Warm; which of course, has its benefits but who doesn't like freezing hands and warmer drinks once in a while?

Anyways, thanks for sneaking up on me Autumn. Who knows, I just might start calling you... Fall.

Oh, the places we'll go...

Rarely is one put in the company of such great potential. As the song, All My Life blasted in the SPL Barn on Thursday night, I could not help but just, stare. I stared at the linked arms of my classmates and I and couldn't help but think of how each of them were gonna make it SO WELL one day. I have been blessed to know future dentists, doctors, engineers, and cake decorators... the list goes on. To learn of each person's aspirations for the upcoming years on this trip was a trip (or a mindf?ck in Maddie's words). Some people might go to Oxford, others across the country, some down to the States... and all I can say is that, I'm jealous. I'm jealous because I am 100% sure you guys will and I do not know that for myself. But I know all of you well enough to know that whatever <insert big name university here> any of you apply to, would be a fool not to accept you. The work ethic that we've all developed from literally hundreds of Kuniss assignments has given us the educational advantage over anyone else I can think of. But not only that, the passion and heart we've all revealed to each other throughout the years about whatever we do, has probably the biggest ONE-UP for us in this crazy high-school life.

"All things are ready, if our minds be so." - Act 3, Scene 1 from Henry V

We are all so ready for much greater things. Just forget the juvenile high-school mentality, Mini fam, we're bigger than all of this. This is just the beginning. Wherever our bright futures may lead us, just know that I will never forget each of you and you know, that you can always come back to me for anything. Like Dr. Vera said, one day, I'm going to pick up the phone from one of you and it's going to be like no time has even passed.

So go on, go ahead. Run. At full speed, run. This is your race now. No more Strathcona, Apex, Bamfield, Kuniss, Vera, Lawrence, isolated Mini School hallway; it's all you now. So run. But don't forget to look back once in a while. Because knowing us, we'll probably be on either side trying to out-run you, because that's what families do. We are competitive with each other, we fight, we laugh, we cry - and all it does is push us further and makes us stronger.

Mini Grad XI, 

Here's to us.

We're almost there.

I love you all.

My sincerest good luck.

- Your one and only Camel

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.


- Oh! The Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss