what you want

I must admit, that it's hard to not think about this when you've gone through a couple of "relationships" with guys... whether it simply be infatuation, lust, a crush, "seeing each other," or actually going out/boyfriend-girlfriend...

It's hard not to not think that you always turned out to be not what the other person wanted.

Speaking from the viewpoint of someone whose never "dumped" someone (disregarding grade 8 LOL) but more so kept away from the ones that didn't have a fighting chance... Ultimately, everyone..... left.

Sooner or later, one by one, each of them left. Reasons varying, reasons that still remain unknown to me (and even to some of them) - they all left. Many didn't leave my life entirely for on the contrary, I may be starting to have the rep of having ex'es for best friends. But my view of them and vice versa, changed. I moved on, they moved on - many happily with someone else.

I guess, I just can't wrap my head around the fact that I don't think I ever did anything wrong yet they still left. Not saying that I am flawless or the chemistry was always fully there but what I'm saying is that... I never flirted with other people, "cheated," lied, manipulated... I put my best outfit on each time I saw them and tried to be as thoughtful as I could when I wasn't with them. I was myself. Whatever variation of myself I was at the time, I was true to it. And it's hard to hear that, that wasn't good enough. That wasn't enough for them to stay. You at your best wasn't enough for them to not leave. It's as if, they liked you at first (the outer shell) to try and get to know you but once they got to the core of you, they didn't like what they saw and left; left you hanging, left straight up and told you, or left before it got any deeper.

And as harsh as that reality is, it ain't wrong. I'm not saying it doesn't happen to me. All of us say to "do you" so we look out for ourselves. We, in every right that we have, are selfish and picky because why wouldn't we try to look for what we really want? Why would we settle for something any less than? If we have one shot/one opportunity/one person we get to choose in the end, why not the one you really want.

I guess, all I can say is that to whoever my "next guy" is, to get this message. That, the second you start thinking about leaving me as all the rest have... take a good look. I mean, really look. Take a good look at what you're leaving and who you think you're leaving me for. I'm sure that sounds in every way as egotistical as it does in my head but forgive me for my last wish before you do leave.

I no where in hell believe I am exactly what anybody wants,

but maybe, just maybe, what you realize that you do want.