welcome to heartbreak, part 3

it's always after every conversation i have like this... filled with tears and word vomit... after every desperate grasp at something that was never mine, fleeting... after all the ways i could embarrass myself... i get this moment of... clarity.

maybe not clarity per se, but i seem to always reach this state of paralyzation. i feel numb. i don't know what to think. i listen to any possible kind of music and feel absolutely nothing. i talk about my feelings to anyone who will listen. but after all of that, i don't feel anything.

"Why is it such a struggle to love when it's so easy to hate?"

(a quote from a friend's twitter)

i give. i give. i give.
i love. i love. i love.
i get hurt. I get hurt. I get hurt.
three times it's been and yet, i seem to (a) never learn and (b) never hated.

should i hate you? or do i really hate myself?

the thought is fleeting... it's passing... it's gone...

why do all the tough lessons have to hurt?

cue endless love. cue susie blue. cue clarity. i could cue every song in the book that makes sense with this post but none of them would matter.

because i don't feel anything.

i am numb.

say what you need to say

catching up with an old friend the other day and somehow it came up that we both agree: people who hate everything and say "fuck the world" just aren't interesting. they're boring. sure, anybody appreciates the honesty of someone who doesn't care about what other people think, step to the beat of their own drum but people who simply don't care about ANYTHING are lame (for lack of a better term).

it seems like the ones who matter the most lately, are the ones who just don't seem to get it. i care. and sure, maybe a little too much sometimes but, i like joining a million clubs on top of my schoolwork. i like coming home late knowing i spent my day productively. i like being independent. i like being ambitious and putting myself out there. i like apologizing when i'm wrong/make a mistake. i like putting others first before myself. i like caring about things like the environment, people and how your day is going.

"it's okay to make mistakes though as it forces you to reflect on your personality."

i'm sitting here reflecting for the past 2 days and nights and just feel like i can't seem to do things right. i take in what everyone else is feeling and i bring those things straight to my heart. and those things in my heart, i care about with all i can. you can say something's wrong with me... depressed, even. but it's because i care. about things. about my friends. about my family. i care and maybe a little too much...

if you sing me any of these songs....

i will be lose my breath.


i will be putty in your hands.



i will die.

what you want

I must admit, that it's hard to not think about this when you've gone through a couple of "relationships" with guys... whether it simply be infatuation, lust, a crush, "seeing each other," or actually going out/boyfriend-girlfriend...

It's hard not to not think that you always turned out to be not what the other person wanted.

Speaking from the viewpoint of someone whose never "dumped" someone (disregarding grade 8 LOL) but more so kept away from the ones that didn't have a fighting chance... Ultimately, everyone..... left.

Sooner or later, one by one, each of them left. Reasons varying, reasons that still remain unknown to me (and even to some of them) - they all left. Many didn't leave my life entirely for on the contrary, I may be starting to have the rep of having ex'es for best friends. But my view of them and vice versa, changed. I moved on, they moved on - many happily with someone else.

I guess, I just can't wrap my head around the fact that I don't think I ever did anything wrong yet they still left. Not saying that I am flawless or the chemistry was always fully there but what I'm saying is that... I never flirted with other people, "cheated," lied, manipulated... I put my best outfit on each time I saw them and tried to be as thoughtful as I could when I wasn't with them. I was myself. Whatever variation of myself I was at the time, I was true to it. And it's hard to hear that, that wasn't good enough. That wasn't enough for them to stay. You at your best wasn't enough for them to not leave. It's as if, they liked you at first (the outer shell) to try and get to know you but once they got to the core of you, they didn't like what they saw and left; left you hanging, left straight up and told you, or left before it got any deeper.

And as harsh as that reality is, it ain't wrong. I'm not saying it doesn't happen to me. All of us say to "do you" so we look out for ourselves. We, in every right that we have, are selfish and picky because why wouldn't we try to look for what we really want? Why would we settle for something any less than? If we have one shot/one opportunity/one person we get to choose in the end, why not the one you really want.

I guess, all I can say is that to whoever my "next guy" is, to get this message. That, the second you start thinking about leaving me as all the rest have... take a good look. I mean, really look. Take a good look at what you're leaving and who you think you're leaving me for. I'm sure that sounds in every way as egotistical as it does in my head but forgive me for my last wish before you do leave.

I no where in hell believe I am exactly what anybody wants,

but maybe, just maybe, what you realize that you do want.

mobile pictures

CIRCA 2009

a clear example that it doesn't matter how expensive or top-of-the-line your equipment is. as long as you have a keen eye for a creative shot and are able to manipulate your given circumstances, you can still take a quality photo. these are some photos i forgot i had from my super old cellphone. enjoy!

#prayforjapan

Really puts things into perspective...







#prayforjapan #prayfortheworld



Wear RED and WHITE on March 17th to show your love for Japan. Click this to join the Facebook event.

the pain will never go away

I was (and still am) on this high where I thought no one could touch me. And as much as I hate to admit it and as much as I want to deny it, you did. Even if it was just a little. Not that I am at all in the same state you left me in or the same me for that matter, but it still.. hurts. Not in that heartbreak-heartache kinda way anymore, but more like a that's always gonna be there sorta hurt. Cause you see, that heartbreak-heartache shit was a different me. I've changed since then. And I'm changing every goddamn day and that's why I'm not bitter. Cause I get it. I get that feelings change, I get that people change. I've been there. I am there. But no matter what, because I am human, because I have the ability to feel and hold memories... shit will still hit me like the first time it did. Never the same but always just as hard. And all I can say is, fuck. Not fuck you. Not fuck me. Not fuck life. But just.... fuck.

Fuck because the first cut is always the motherfucking deepest.

Fuck because someone with age and experience on their side told me, "Yeah... the pain never really goes away. And the worst part is that it hurts that much every single time it happens."

Everyone's gotta go through it once, your first real heartbreak. And no matter how it happens, what happens or how you deal with it, life goes on. And, you don't regret it. You acknowledge and appreciate the rawness and realness of what happened and you move on. Because it all happens for a reason in God's plan and there will always be another one. You learn from the last and each time you grow. You raise the bar for yourself and for everyone else because you learn more and more about your worth; what you deserve, what you want and what you don't. And you'll just know when that is that. Because from that bar you both reached, you just continue to grow and set new ones.

It's that moment when you find them and you think, "It always feels like there is just one person in this world to love - and then you find somebody else. And it just seems crazy that you were ever worried in the first place."

So I'll probably stumble across him one day. He will surprise me as all the others did at those times where I just stopped. I stopped looking. I stopped wanting, needing and just stopped. That is when he'll find me.

So for now, I'm too busy loving myself and everybody else. For that is the love that will always conquer the pain that will never go away. My love.

every actor has his secrets

in this case, every actress has her secrets.

acting is about truth. we all have our own takes of what a character is like. there was once a famous director who always asked writers, if there was one person (dead, alive, fiction, or non-fiction) that the character they created would be, who would it be? not simply because he was going to take that person and imitate their actions for no one could ever really do that. he asked because this served as a model. a mold to which an actor could simply put his or herself in to see what the words the character says tastes like. tastes like in their own mouth. the information said is not what makes up the character. it is about asking what kind of person talks like this? what kind of person uses these particular words to express what they are feeling. acting is about truth. if we simply played the words and not the action, there is no truth behind it. there needs to be a genuine intent to say what the character says, do what the character does, and feel what the character feels. acting is not about taking on the body of somebody else. it is about locating that character within you thus forming another arrangement of you. acting is about truth. why you say or feel things a certain way is exclusive only to you. your director, your fellow actors, the audience... no one needs to know what you are thinking when you say something. why you start fiddling with your fingers, why you feel heavy on one side, why it feels like you can't even hold up your chin, why you say "o me" the way you do.

every actress has her secrets.

i am hermia.

fuck what you heard

Rumors are amazing. Absolutely amazing. Like Lil Wayne said – rumors are as dumb as the people who believe them.

People are going to talk about you. People especially are going to talk shit about you. I don’t care if you’re Mother Theresa, the Dalai Lama, or Nicki Manaj no one is safe. NO ONE. Most of the time these things are gonna be an exaggeration of the truth. Some of the time the things are gonna be downright ludacris. All of the time, they’re going to be a judge of your character.

The thing is, people thrive on drama. THRIVE ON IT. Like Abi said, “Save the drama for the unhappy.” Why? Because misery loves company and the devil’s always in disguise.

You can tell a lot about a person by the things they say about another person. Usually the things they hate the most about others are exactly what they hate about themselves. When people get angry, jealous, or just don’t understand, they hate. Thats just how life goes. But what does it say about you when the lies you spread are no longer believed? We’re old enough and cultured enough to weed out the truth from the lies. The rage from the passion, and the hate from the love.

I used to be mad when people lied about me. I’d be hurt and try to explain myself to anyone who’d listen. I mean, my character was all I had, my prized possession. As I grew older I learned that the people you want in your life won’t judge you by what’s said about you. I learned that negative people are like cancer for your life, and I learned that your actions speak much louder than other people’s words.

So I learned how to keep my head up. I learned how to keep doing me, and I learned that as long as I know the truth I can continue to be happy. Tall stories are for small egos. I get it. I’ve been there. But fuck what you heard. You think you know, but you have no idea.

‘Chuch.

I’m just gonna leave you with something I stole off of Mariane’s Twitter…
“Thats the best revenge of all: HAPPINESS. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good fucking life.”

(via Raaachem)

ready or not

Trust me when I say I'm getting sick of myself too with all this talk about the future. I can't seem to help it though... there's just too much unknown. But at this point in time, all I can say is that I'm so ready. I took this break to relax and rejuvenate - in which... I sorta did. I accomplished a number of things but of course, have yet to do other things. But it feels nice to have a clean slate in school because I am so ready to achieve. I am so ready to work hard, act hard, and play hard. I'm ready to learn new things and try my best to ace courses. I'm in for a tumultuous couple of months and year but I am nothing less of stoked. To think, everything that just seemed to be a date in my agenda or my blackberry calendar is finally gonna become real and experienced. All I can say is, hey world, I'm ready.

What am I doing?

Oh yeah, that's right. I'm doing me.