welcome to heartbreak, part 3

it's always after every conversation i have like this... filled with tears and word vomit... after every desperate grasp at something that was never mine, fleeting... after all the ways i could embarrass myself... i get this moment of... clarity.

maybe not clarity per se, but i seem to always reach this state of paralyzation. i feel numb. i don't know what to think. i listen to any possible kind of music and feel absolutely nothing. i talk about my feelings to anyone who will listen. but after all of that, i don't feel anything.

"Why is it such a struggle to love when it's so easy to hate?"

(a quote from a friend's twitter)

i give. i give. i give.
i love. i love. i love.
i get hurt. I get hurt. I get hurt.
three times it's been and yet, i seem to (a) never learn and (b) never hated.

should i hate you? or do i really hate myself?

the thought is fleeting... it's passing... it's gone...

why do all the tough lessons have to hurt?

cue endless love. cue susie blue. cue clarity. i could cue every song in the book that makes sense with this post but none of them would matter.

because i don't feel anything.

i am numb.

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