wake up call

so relevant to my life right now.
i guess the reason why i've been putting myself down is so that if i don't reach my goals, it won't be too much of a fall. but this mentality won't get me anywhere. been working hard already and i just have to be patient. if that wasn't enough, time to go all out even more. God will soon help me reap the benefits.

good looking out, homie

thank God for the friends that i have. they know what’s best for me especially at times when i seem to forget and am blinded by my constant need to succeed and avoid embarrassment. they keep me on the straight path, remind me to do what’s right. as scared as i am, i don’t wanna disappoint. gonna try my best. thank you.

man's guide to love #229

early morning ramblings VI

nevermind

why do i even bother? i hate how of all the things i seem to take after you, it's the worst things. you are so goddamn sensitive yet harsh. it's impossible to deal with. your tone is cold and you're always so condescending; it makes me feel like shit. then, when i want to just drop it and let it go, thus saying "nevermind," you suddenly become so defensive. claiming i'm hurting you and am wrong. HOW DOES ONE DEAL WITH THAT. yes, i speak on impulse. yes, i can admit when i am in the wrong. but when you twist shit like this and somehow always make it about you and your feelings, never mine or others. yeah, you're right. maybe it's better if i just don't say anything... ever.

you're welcome.

always up cus my mind doesn't know when to give me a break

It's always the wee hours of the night where I finally decide that I have done nothing and it is now time for sleep when I can't. Everything and anything pops into my head and I hate it because I just wanna sleep and forget about all of it.

- I hate that things aren't going my way.
- I have so many things to do for Grad Transitions....tedious.
- Should really get to my supplemental applications.
- Opening night is in 3 weeks. I need to be off-book by Friday.
- I feel like everything is working against me. Everything just feels like a struggle.
- I wish I had my Nikon back </3
- I need to order Artona pictures.
- I have a Math test on Monday that I have no confidence in writing.
- I am embarrassed.
- I am scared.
- I am tired. More so than usual.
- I really hate the song choice for the opening sequence, I am not gonna lie.
- I am nervous about certain people.
- Even the closest person in the world to you will never fully know you. Everybody has their secrets.
- Fake it till you make it.

haiku for you I

I can smell your shirt
My new favorite flannel
Intoxicating

colorgenics I

Name: Camille
Date: Sunday 23rd 2011f January 2011 08:00:05 PM
Colorgenics Number: 1/2/6/5/4/0/3/7/

You are the sort of person that needs a peaceful environment. You seek release from stress and freedom from conflicts and disagreements, of which you seem to have had more than your fair share. But you are taking pains to control the situation by proceeding cautiously and you are right in doing so as you are a very sensitive person.

You are an emotional and sensitive person. You are inclined to delight and wallow in all things that give pleasure to your senses but nevertheless your tastes are refined and you reject anything that is indecent or vulgar.

You need a friend - a close friend - and you are willing to become emotionally involved with the right person, but you are very demanding and particular in your choice of partners. You are constantly looking for reassurance and it is perhaps because of this that you tend to be somewhat argumentative, but you try to hold back - careful to avoid open conflict - since this might reduce your prospects of realising your hopes of establishing a warm caring relationship.

You are feeling trapped by the situation as it stands at this time and what is more, you feel powerless to remedy it. You are stressful, angry and disgruntled. You feel that everything that you try to do to change the situation is thwarted and your hopes and aspirations all seem to be receding into the ever distant future. You have reached the state where you now doubt whether your dreams will ever be achieved and this is not only causing mental stress but heartache. You need to get away from it all - you need to have time to think, to recuperate, to be able to make your own decisions.

You wish to be left in peace... no more conflict and no more differences of opinion. In fact you just don't want to be involved in arguments of any shape or form. All you want is for 'them' to get on with it - and to leave you alone.

early morning ramblings V

absence makes the heart grow fonder

"The joy of meeting pays the pangs of absence; else who could bear it?" - Nicholas Rowe

I wish I was there for your first birthday. I wish I was there so I could watch you grow up. I wish I was there so I could shower you in gifts, hugs and kisses. I wish I could be there to just take care of you, to babysit you.  I wish I could be there to teach you how to treat a young lady, how to dress and how to win the hearts of all the girls in the world. You're so big now but you will always be my cute little, Santino. Your smile was beautiful before but now more than ever, now that your teeth has grown in.

I miss you. 

The greatest gift anyone could give me would be to see you again.

wale's wisdom

Out of the six billion people on this planet, this is the one person entitled to every facet of me. This is who consumes my thoughts, this is who motivates me to be a better person, she is my she.

Wale

passion x leejay x awkward

brighter dayz

driving to school in the gross rain was depressing but thank god it cleared up. picked up b and we went to english bay and stanley park. i think i actually like the beach better at this time of the year. hardly any people, breeezy... so calming. and the sand doesn't go everywhere cus it's wet. afterwards, drove to get 3 boxes of pizza for council. played games and just bonded with student council for a couple of hours... feels good to be on the same page again.

all in all, a good day. thanks for the smiles and laughs, everyone.

homie, this shit is basic, welcome to graduation

top of my game

as much as i don't quite have the grades that i would love (100% in everything, please and thanks)... i'm feeling good. i've been on top of my game by doing my best to not fall behind in anything, doing my homework and actually participating in class. who knew. and not only that, but i am so excited to work hard and reap the benefits. instead of going home before rehearsal for my usual double-block nap, i stayed at school and did 3 hours of math. mind you it was agonizing but it felt good to have it finished and not have to put it into my bag at the end of the day. with my newly acquired free time, i now have the freedom to take it easy tonight as i theoretically left my scheduled rehearsal, half an hour late but an hour earlier than my usual end time (for now). tonight's events consist of reading ahead of my script and taking notes from Saliani's book (author) about my lines.

feels good to be on top of my game.
i got this so far.

fuck what you heard

Rumors are amazing. Absolutely amazing. Like Lil Wayne said – rumors are as dumb as the people who believe them.

People are going to talk about you. People especially are going to talk shit about you. I don’t care if you’re Mother Theresa, the Dalai Lama, or Nicki Manaj no one is safe. NO ONE. Most of the time these things are gonna be an exaggeration of the truth. Some of the time the things are gonna be downright ludacris. All of the time, they’re going to be a judge of your character.

The thing is, people thrive on drama. THRIVE ON IT. Like Abi said, “Save the drama for the unhappy.” Why? Because misery loves company and the devil’s always in disguise.

You can tell a lot about a person by the things they say about another person. Usually the things they hate the most about others are exactly what they hate about themselves. When people get angry, jealous, or just don’t understand, they hate. Thats just how life goes. But what does it say about you when the lies you spread are no longer believed? We’re old enough and cultured enough to weed out the truth from the lies. The rage from the passion, and the hate from the love.

I used to be mad when people lied about me. I’d be hurt and try to explain myself to anyone who’d listen. I mean, my character was all I had, my prized possession. As I grew older I learned that the people you want in your life won’t judge you by what’s said about you. I learned that negative people are like cancer for your life, and I learned that your actions speak much louder than other people’s words.

So I learned how to keep my head up. I learned how to keep doing me, and I learned that as long as I know the truth I can continue to be happy. Tall stories are for small egos. I get it. I’ve been there. But fuck what you heard. You think you know, but you have no idea.

‘Chuch.

I’m just gonna leave you with something I stole off of Mariane’s Twitter…
“Thats the best revenge of all: HAPPINESS. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good fucking life.”

(via Raaachem)

my final words

The greatest lesson that I have learned from my home of 5 years would probably be the value of family. As Christopher Lasch once said, “The family is a haven in a heartless world.” Without the ones I have grown with and loved (my own, the Minis, Student Council, Theatre Temp and Volleyball), I would not have the motivation to, “go into the world and do well. But more importantly, go into the world and do good." - Dr. Minor Myers, Jr.

Stay classy y’all. On to the next one.

ready or not

Trust me when I say I'm getting sick of myself too with all this talk about the future. I can't seem to help it though... there's just too much unknown. But at this point in time, all I can say is that I'm so ready. I took this break to relax and rejuvenate - in which... I sorta did. I accomplished a number of things but of course, have yet to do other things. But it feels nice to have a clean slate in school because I am so ready to achieve. I am so ready to work hard, act hard, and play hard. I'm ready to learn new things and try my best to ace courses. I'm in for a tumultuous couple of months and year but I am nothing less of stoked. To think, everything that just seemed to be a date in my agenda or my blackberry calendar is finally gonna become real and experienced. All I can say is, hey world, I'm ready.

What am I doing?

Oh yeah, that's right. I'm doing me.