12/29/2011

welcome to heartbreak, part 3

it's always after every conversation i have like this... filled with tears and word vomit... after every desperate grasp at something that was never mine, fleeting... after all the ways i could embarrass myself... i get this moment of... clarity.

maybe not clarity per se, but i seem to always reach this state of paralyzation. i feel numb. i don't know what to think. i listen to any possible kind of music and feel absolutely nothing. i talk about my feelings to anyone who will listen. but after all of that, i don't feel anything.

"Why is it such a struggle to love when it's so easy to hate?"

(a quote from a friend's twitter)

i give. i give. i give.
i love. i love. i love.
i get hurt. I get hurt. I get hurt.
three times it's been and yet, i seem to (a) never learn and (b) never hated.

should i hate you? or do i really hate myself?

the thought is fleeting... it's passing... it's gone...

why do all the tough lessons have to hurt?

cue endless love. cue susie blue. cue clarity. i could cue every song in the book that makes sense with this post but none of them would matter.

because i don't feel anything.

i am numb.

11/13/2011

and just when i thought i had things figured out.... i question it all over again.

"just keep me close"


i always do.

10/24/2011

breakaway

absolutely can't wait to live on my own. be free from having to ask for permission to go to things. run on my own time. live by the honourable values and morals that i learned from my parents but not have to constantly have them drilled into my head as if i'm a 1-year-old trying to stay out later than 9 pm on a thursday night.

i'm young enough to be looked out for but old enough to make my own decisions.

maybe one day you should just give up on me. one day you need to let go of me. i'm growing up. and even though you might not be happy that you can't keep your little girl on a tight leash and stop her from growing up, at least be content knowing that she's a young, independent woman whose just as strong as you.

don't forget, you're the one who raised me.

grrrrrrrrrind

no more midterms but things aren't over quite yet.
quizzes coming up.
assignments due.
papers to write.
work to go to.
meetings to have.


on that independent girl status.

brb

10/16/2011

365 days

... of good conversation.
... of love.
... of laughs.
... of heartbreak.
... of tears.
... of growing up.
... of plans.
... of friendship.

thanks.

10/12/2011

go with your gut

and just like you said you hope, there will be someone else. now tell me if you knew that it would have a twist like this.

what does your gut tell you?
  1. we're young yet life is too short.
  2. can we really do anything we want?
  3. the One who pushes you away OR the one who you don't know if you wanna be pulled in by?


oh life...

10/05/2011

himym x chemistry

Ted: "It's just, everyday I think I believe a little less, and a little less, and a little less. And that, sucks. What do I do about that, Scherbatsky?"
Robin: "You're Ted Moseby. You start believing again."
Ted: "In what, destiny?"
Robin: "Chemistry. If you have chemistry you only need one thing..."
Ted: "What's that?"
Robin: "...Timing. But timing's a bitch."


Tell me something I don't know.

10/03/2011

10/02/2011

say what you need to say



catching up with an old friend the other day and somehow it came up that we both agree: people who hate everything and say "fuck the world" just aren't interesting. they're boring. sure, anybody appreciates the honesty of someone who doesn't care about what other people think, step to the beat of their own drum but people who simply don't care about ANYTHING are lame (for lack of a better term).

it seems like the ones who matter the most lately, are the ones who just don't seem to get it. i care. and sure, maybe a little too much sometimes but, i like joining a million clubs on top of my schoolwork. i like coming home late knowing i spent my day productively. i like being independent. i like being ambitious and putting myself out there. i like apologizing when i'm wrong/make a mistake. i like putting others first before myself. i like caring about things like the environment, people and how your day is going.

"it's okay to make mistakes though as it forces you to reflect on your personality."

i'm sitting here reflecting for the past 2 days and nights and just feel like i can't seem to do things right. i take in what everyone else is feeling and i bring those things straight to my heart. and those things in my heart, i care about with all i can. you can say something's wrong with me... depressed, even. but it's because i care. about things. about my friends. about my family. i care and maybe a little too much...

4/28/2011

ignite!


Come out to the Cultch today to see me awkwardly grace the stage at Ignite! Youth Festival's Word Night.
It's $2 so no "I'm broke" excuses allowed!

Disclaimer: After much push from my friends on the Youth Panel, they convinced me to finally spontaneously audition and made it. I am by no means any sort of "Spoken Word" artist... as I described myself in my bio online, I'm coming straight from the confinements of my room and praying to God that you enjoy some of what you can make out of my 2 am ramblings. I am scared out of my mind (even as I write this promo which I strategically put up the day of) because this is something I have kept private all these years. But I suppose if you want a good laugh, come catch me in the show! And when I say laugh... I don't mean because I am comedic in any way...

...haha..ha..........ha.

4/23/2011

song of the day: more of this



felt like summer today. had the most overwhelming time getting everyone out of my house because all my friends were critiquing my outfit :( HAHA SO MEAN (guess it makes sense for a jerk to have jerk friends). had a super tedious and boring training session for working the elections then met up with the gang at granville island. "find the half naked asian man doing magic" and ran into lasheeka!... bought a frisbee and put it to good use at a park in false creek. played ultimate HAHA "how is he so goood!!!" "don't even need to put D on David cus he's probably gonna drop it anyways" walked the sea wall and met up with noelle... walked to pho on broadway from science world. then did some jigs in front of a random coffee shop to some dope live music.

great day with great people.

definitely want more days like this

4/20/2011

spring fling


photos from alison's camera

waiting game

"The faculty you have applied for has expressed interest in reviewing the additional information you provided us when you submitted your supplemental application. This will take some additional time. We will notify you by email as soon as the faculty has made their decision. We understand that this additional wait is difficult, and we thank you for your patience."


HATE. THIS. ASDfhjfdkrelqJ4HI32HIQKWEASDFLASK

daily inspiration: 042011

4/17/2011

lovefool

I love my friends. Straight up.

Today was another one of those reminders of how blessed I am to have such great people in my life. From spending the morning and afternoon with my girl downtown and volunteering, nothing seemed like a job when you were in the right company. Afterwards, meeting up with one of favorite people in the world... it was non-stop laughs from there. And afterwards pairing us with our other best friends?! Recipe for absolute mayhem. Squealing, hugs, going into a bird cage, girl lurking behind us, "FLO0O0OZY!!" Never a dull moment and couldn't ask for anything more... Straight up. I love my friends :')

And then... a slap to the face. It hurts.

Yes, I admit my mistakes are chronic and hurt other people (I'm human!!!) but what is so hard to explain is how much harder I am on myself after the fact. I suck up my pride. I suck up my personal values. I suck up the fighting spirit that they taught me because all I do is hurt one way or another so I might as well please someone.

But whatever happens, I always... Love. It might be a blessing, but it's definitely part curse. Because no matter what someone does to me, says to me or happens to me.... I will always love. Whether or not it is returned, I will love. I will love my friends, even when they don't want to be mine. I will love my parents, even when it feels like I can't. I will love all the ones who hurt me, even when they were the ones who were never supposed to in the first place. Call me a lovefool, call me crazy, but I will always love.

Whether or not, I (or others) love me? Well... that's a different question.

daily inspiration: 041711

4/15/2011

theatre magic

Even if a picture means a thousand words… this one and the memories along with it will always leave me speechless.
Theatre Temp, you the love of my life.
I am truly blessed to be able to experience a love like this.

Feeling pretty nostalgic as it's been my friends' play week this week and with one ending tonight and the other drawing to a close tomorrow... I can't help but know exactly how they feel. Mind you, I've somewhat been living vicariously through them because poor ol' me, never had the "I MISS THEATRE TEMP" quite hit me post-production. But now, being reminded of some things... I can't help but feel compelled to address something.

Despite our differences as individual theatre programs... it's neat to see that no matter what company/production you're in... Us "theatre kids" have this elusive "thing." This "thing" is just untouchable. This became clear when I met up with the St. Pat's gang earlier today at Oakridge during their break. For one, the huge clump of high schoolers blocking the entrance to the White Spot could be seen as either a rather odd grouping of people (to those who may know them) or to the trained eye... a family. Looking from the outside in and knowing how it felt to be in that odd clump myself, it was kinda weird as I swear it was like a mirror image of the several Theatre Temp clumps in the Film Studio. As I tagged along, I started to get an inside peak at only the tip of their group's own set of traditions. As I joined in on the galivanting along 41st, making trucks and cars honk at us; it was like deja vu as I felt like I was belting out songs on Commercial Drive just yesterday. Traditions and antics that seemed unique to each group are really just all the same; reflections of each other. Which brings me back to that..."thing." This "thing" is something that we all share. We have our own variations of it but that cool elusive thing that only us theatre kids get to experience...is that magic. It's those single spurts of pure magic that you only notice in hindsight. Looking back, what was it that made you jump on your stage manager's back in the middle of a crowded mall? What was it that made you give that guy you saw in the hallways half of your sandwich? It's... that magic. Simply put. You don't notice it in the moment. But it's that weird crazy indescribable power that being in theatre has. And I think that's why so many people love it. Not before they do it, but during it. At one point, that magic inspires each and everyone of us and gives us that single thought of, "Wouldn't it be neat... if I did this for the rest of my life?" And those who act on it, it just keeps being reflected into the next person. Because, the only way you can have that "theatre magic" is well.... with magic.

before i forget some of my own moments of magic...
  • "CAN WE HAVE FOCUS IN THE PHILIPPINES PLEASE?" - Mike Stack
  • spontaneous bad romance dance party on stage
  • oo, i feel so good
  • what it to do?
  • hugging everyone 9213209721367 times
  • mount lumpy
  • mr. c 
  • "the pain does go away"
  • company bow
  • raise your glass
  • circle of hands
  • just you > lovers' > cast family
  • "these hands depend on you and you depend on them so GO BIG or GO HOME"
  • faerie-related accidents
  • moss exams
  • faerie time care package
  • ...and many more exclusive to only... me ;)

vintage 1920s portraits from the sydney police archives

I love everything about these photos! The raw melancholic grit as AdoreVintage.com described them, is just wonderful. Wouldn't mind having my mug shot taken if they looked like this...









Find these featured in Peter Doyle's book, City of Shadows: Sydney Police Photographs 1912-1948. WANT.

4/14/2011

daily inspiration: 041511


Please excuse the lack of my own personal words and creativity in my blog lately. A writing muse hasn't quite hit. 'Till then, I'll be seeking out other things that intrigue and inspire me on the daily, with my own touch of the color swatches beneath the picture.

Enjoy! xo

personal reminder

The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet.

Aristotle

daily inspiration: 041411


4/13/2011

song of the day: place on earth


road to graduation

talking to my friend, david, and realized that school is gonna be a huge joke for the next couple of months especially with at least one event happening each week.

10-week countdown to graduation begins.....now!

week 1: grad fashion show (tonight)
week 2: spirit week, grad spring fling

week 3: ignite! youth festival
week 4: final week of talent show rehearsals, vancity idol
week 5: talent show, summerland shakespeare festival
week 6: prom
week 7: debut, birthday, last school dance
week 8: final student council event(s) to end the year/kick off summer
week 9: serina's debut
week 10: graduation/banquet/dance

then we just have finals and provincials to take, then siyonara bitches!!!! outta hurrrr

4/11/2011

f.r.i.e.n.d.s x friends

makes me so happy everytime i open up my shitty ass laptop

steven as chandler, alvin as ross, me as monica, chloe as rachel, johny as joey

if you knew us, you would know how ridiculously accurate this was HAHA

4/10/2011

some things never change

It never ceases to amaze me that some of the smartest people I know make the most STUPID decisions. And whether man, woman, Filipino, or Black, Pulitzer Prize winner or magna cum laude - these decisions usually almost always involve matters of love.

We can build bridges, fly to the moon, and find cures for various diseases but walking away from a relationship we know is all wrong sometimes befuddles us more than AP calculus. She can manage budgets, schedules, and 37 employees - yet CAN'T manage to NOT answer the phone when HE calls. And he can manage to eat a dozen atomic chicken wings in under two minutes, drink 15 shots of Patron to the face like it's water, and bench 250lbs - yet CAN'T manage to NOT call HER on a beautiful afternoon.

So what fucking gives? We do. We give a damn, and we give our all. And when it comes to love, we give a shit about logic. Sometimes we give and give and give until we think we can't give anymore. And then he shows up at our door, or she takes care of us when we're sick, and we end up giving just a little. bit. more.

I know. It's fucking stupid. But I get it. That's why regardless of how I may roll my eyes at your stories, or call you an idiot, or wanna shake the shit outta you - I still love you afterwards. 'Cuz we've all been there, and that's the main reason it's so frustrating. Because I can empathize.

No matter how many times we fall and then say we won't take it there again - we will. Maybe we'll try a different perspective or take a different approach, but if you're like me and your heart is as strong as your head is stubborn - we will do it all again.


We can make a dollar outta 15 cents but when it comes to love and common sense? Some things never change.

(via girlsarethenewboys)

4/06/2011

if you sing me any of these songs....


i will be lose my breath.


i will be putty in your hands.



i will die.

4/05/2011

rules of attraction

To catch a woman at her highest point is the biggest thing for me.. seeing a woman do what she love to do or bein' in a place within herself where she's completely happy and still. Whether it's drawing on a scrap piece of paper or reading a book or whatever have you.. Just a woman in her mode, that, that right there lights my eyes up, seein' a woman, happy.

I think that should go for all of us, men and women. Do your thing.. do you, be joyful in yourself. Don't go lookin' for love, love will find you, in the thing, that you love, most. You. - God is Love

(via readingisfree)
another on point post by the homie, donnel

me

"Hi, my name is Camille."

I word vomit as you can see from my last post.
It's because I think a lot, so bare with me.
But to summarize my last post...

Yes, I have dreams and aspirations of what I want to do with my life. Who doesn't? This includes doing all of that humanitarian and social work. But my thinking is, that if I'm that passionate about it - what I do in school shouldn't matter. Because if I love that kind of work enough, I will always find a way to stay true to it and go back to my roots. Knowing myself, in whatever I end up doing, I will always find a way to twist things to my liking. Because ain't nothing wrong with wanting to make a living out of doing something "professionally." And that's where Architecture comes in. For those who know me, it might be a shock but it's not I dream that I've made public prior to such a revelation. It's been more of a private, personal dream. Probably because, I didn't think I could do it before. I was intimidated, to say the least. But I don't feel that way anymore. So yes, I'll be trained and educated in how to make skyscrapers and design fancy buildings. But whose to say, that I won't use this education to design educational facilities in third world countries? Whose to say that I won't go back to the idea of what I might want my NGO to be, which is rehabilitating communities after natural disasters. Whose to say I won't use my skills as an architect to team up with like-minded changemakers to re-build a city for the better?

The more I look at being that "Entrepreneur" and "Changemaker" vs. being an "Architect," I can't help but have both of them resonate with me. I spoke with a counselor from Capilano University today, who (of course) was recruiting me to go to her school even as a UBC Graduate and she said, "Whatever choice you make, it has to be YOU who is happy with it. Your decision must resonate with you because it is you who is going to be putting in the work." And she's right. I still don't know what I want to do for my next 2 years, but whose to say that Camille the "Entrepreneur/Changemaker" and Camille the "aspiring Architect," can't be one the one in the same?

I mean... they're both Camille.

"Hi, my name is Camille. I'm....



....me."

4/04/2011

change of plans

As much as this sucks to admit, I've been having some doubts lately. Mind you, they aren't huge but with everyone starting to receive acceptances and scholarship money to programs across the country, I can't help but be... jealous. Yes, when it comes to this, the green-eyed monster in me sort've... makes an appearance to put it nicely. People I know not only have acceptances to the some of the best schools in Canada but SCHOLARSHIPS. And not only that, they are at schools that I could only dream of going to. (If you didn't know, my dream school is Queen's for their Int'l Affairs program but with it being across the country, it was simply out of the question for my parents.) So here I sit, applied to the schools here, WISHING and PRAYING I get into those at the minimum. I've accepted that and not entirely dismayed by this fact. Yeah, so many naive people will continue to say that UBC is overrated and UVic is a party school but outside of those reps, they are really good schools. Think about it. People from across the country want to go to UBC, a prestigious westcoast school and we're doing the same thing but going to Toronto.

Having yet to hear from all the schools I've applied to, my doubts are more directed to my tentative educational choices.

Here were the options I had laid out for myself (in no particular order):
  1. UBC
    The second I saw the Degree for the Science of Global Resource Systems, I was in love. It had the humanitarian/social work on a university course level that I was just looking for and the cool 2-year focus on an area and resource of choice; how neat was that! Everyone I mentioned this to, said it sounded just like me which was an added bonus. The catch is, that it starts in your 3rd year and gave the freedom for you to pretty much do whatever for your first 2 years (be in Arts, Sciences or Land and Food Systems, etc). With that openness, I figured I had 2 years to figure out if I wanted to apply for GSR or International Affairs (another plausible option). So, I applied to Faculty of Arts as a first choice and Land and Food Systems as a second.

  2. UVic
    Somewhere along the way, I was introduced to the broad opportunities that a Ba or BSc in Geography would bring. If you haven't picked it up already, I want to get into humanitarian work - with a life long goal of creating my own NGO (non-governmental organization). With no set education path for such a career, my options were wide open and figured Geography would be a best fit. So, I applied to the Social Sciences dept. at UVic and was accepted!

  3. Capilano
    Countless people (people in the program at, graduates and others) have recommended me to Capilano's 2-year Global Stewardship Certification program. With a small class size, the competition is tough (I think they take about 30 a year?). At one point, I thought THIS is the program for me. Course-wise and purpose-wise, it was exactly the education I was looking for in the proper field I was going after. The added bonus that it's 1. cheaper 2. provides a much more specific/effective use of my 2 years when 3. transfer to a big university afterwards. So, I have yet to write my letter of intent and complete my application for the program. Due on April 15, I think (oops :$).

  4. SFU
    With no intent of going there and to simply please my parents, I applied for the Arts Faculty and Environmental Faculty.
As you can see, with my desired career choice, the road to it is unwritten. There is no specific program or certain educational background you need to get into it... you just... do. But it's that very ambiguity that my parents have yet to understand what I want to do. It's hard because when they ask, I cannot give a solid answer to their question: "What job does that get you?" At the end of the 4 years, I don't have a title like a Doctor does, a Nurse, or an Engineer. Before, I used to just brush all of that off and walk as tall as I could and back my choices up 100%. But now that all of this is starting to become real decisions, I can't help but second-guess myself. Yes, I still want to fulfill this dream but is this really the educational path I want to take?

So I self-reflected. I looked at myself and wondered, why wasn't I like everyone else who had set jobs that they wanted to do? I have friends who want to become engineers, doctors, lawyers, nurses, accountants and dentists. My cousin's becoming a goddamn aerospace engineer for crying out loud!!!!!!! And here I sit, saying, "I want to make a difference." I began to realize that... as much as I didn't want to subject to my parent's words for the sake of doing my own thing, I couldn't help but agree that I too wanted a solid job at the end of my education. Sure, I would still love to create an NGO and work on it full-time but I figure, if the passion was strong enough for me to dedicate my life to it, it certainly will be there throughout whatever choice I make in post-secondary.

That said, I explored my options. Originally, I said hell-no to school past 4 years. I wanted to finish a degree than get outta there. But lately, it doesn't seem so bad. So I started thinking LAW SCHOOL. I figured, YEAH! It's perfect because if I did end up going into GSR or IR, I could become a lawyer in that field. Putting the change I wanted to see in legal action: an environmental lawyer or international law! I figured great! But I kept reading up on it and I don't know, for some reason... it didn't quite stick.

So I moved on, which brings me to...today. I have always been interested in architecture. I find it fascinating. Although it wasn't pursued in high school through drafting courses and such... I have always been interested in the art of it. Naturally, I was discouraged to even consider it with the thought that there were actual people I knew who did take drafting courses and publicly sparked an interest in it early on. I was discouraged by the competition and figured, it might not be for me. But now that I think about it, every time I question what I want to do... I always mention becoming an architect as some hidden dream but would always half-ass the comment and laugh it off... But today... I didn't. I started thinking, what is the schooling that's actually required? Turns out there's a Master's program at UBC and the degree you can get beforehand can theoretically be anything you want. So, I started reading up on it. The best degrees to get into the program are engineering (no chance), a bachelors in arts with a major in architecture and environmental design. The last 2, I could actually do! For one, I've already applied to the Faculty of Arts and could easily just direct my studies to the Architecture and Design field or wouldn't mind getting in the Environmental Design program!

All in all, I think I may have made a change of heart. I really like the idea and better yet, so do my parents. They love it to be frank. My dad says being an architect is a great job and I already caught my mom saying, "My daughter, the Architect!"

I guess, I'm a little nervous because this is exactly what my best friend predicted I'd do. He said he saw me jumping from career-to-career until I found the right one. I'm nervous because I'm not sure yet if this is just one of those crazy ideas that I come up with, another option to list up top or something I'll actually stick by. Heck, I haven't even accepted to the other schools.

But I'm not going to lie that I'm excited. I'm excited to see if I stick by this. I'm excited to figure out in the next couple of years what it is that I exactly want to do for the rest of my life.

Here's to ambiguity.
Here's to Camille....the Architect?




PS, if anyone actually reads this, feel free to leave a comment of what you think of any of the options I'm looking at. I'm always interested to hear what other people think of the unconventional paths I've presented myself.

a different perspective

Breaking Up: What It Feels Like For A Man


If ever there was a time when I so badly wanted the women of the world tapping my phone line, it’s when one of my boys is telling me about a woman he cares for but with whom he has to break up.

There are reasons we all do it, some good, some not good, some obvious, and some abstract. But lately I have been thinking about why men do it for what seems like no reason at all, and wondering whether or not women ever take our side of the story into consideration. In other words, sometimes it’s not him, sometimes it is her.

The thought occurred to me recently, after a friend of mine back home went through a break up. He called me after it happened, and while I could tell he wasn’t broken up or emotional about it, he wasn’t cold about it either. There was something else going on, something more real, more deep, and while he never could quite express in full the reasons he broke up with this woman, I thought what was most telling was in the reasons he wasn’t saying.

There wasn’t another woman waiting in the wings. He had no prospects and he was not cheating on her with someone else. He very much wanted to be in a relationship, specifically with this woman, but once things got underway, he saw different sides to her he hadn’t before. He communicated his issues with her once they got to be too much, held onto the idea she would work on fixing those issues. For her troubles, he took the time to fix whatever issues she had with him. I saw this with my own eyes and to be honest, it was one of the things I liked least about his woman. I had no problem with her personally, I had a problem with how my boy was when he was with her. For whatever reason, whenever we hung out as a group, I saw little semblance of the man I knew.

I never said this to him. I kept to my two cents in my pocket out of respect for his efforts to make it work. When he would tell me what was going on, there were times I saw the strain in his eyes or heard it in his voice, and I wanted to tell him it doesn’t sound like the relationship was going to last, but I knew it was a matter of time before he would see it too. I would let him vent and then afterward simply ask him, “Well, how do you feel about her?” All the time, he would say the things he liked about her. He didn’t have to think about them, but then again, they weren’t substantial. I knew it and he would come to know it.

When he finally broke up with his woman, he didn’t bad mouth her, nor did he bad mouth the idea of relationships. He had a feeling about a girl, he acted on it, and it ended up not working out. The realization stung but I don’t think it scarred. If anything, in the days after the breakup, he was frustrated with her inability to understand the issues she had were too much for him to put up with. It wasn’t about another woman, or more women, or the feeling of wanting to be single. She kept on suggesting as much and I knew for a fact, he just grew tired of being with someone with whom he wasn’t compatible.

Pride fools men into doing foolish things, like staying with a woman simply because we want to will ourselves to work it out. What happens as a result is we get so caught up in keeping a relationship together, we lose sight of keeping ourselves together. We do things like cheat or spend longer hours at work just so we don’t have to be near the woman we chose to make our girlfriend. We confuse commitment to someone else with a commitment we made to ourselves. What I have realized is a real man is able to admit he made the wrong choice or he chose the wrong woman and does something to fix the problem.

Whenever a man talks about a woman not being right for him, we either think it is for a super dramatic reason (he’s cheating or something of the like) or super superficial (he wants to be single, she doesn’t go down on him). But there’s something in between these two reasons, something less dramatic than cheating and something deeper than how she performs in the bedroom, and that something, sometimes, is her. I get tired of men who break up with women being accused of not knowing what they want. There are times we know exactly what we want and it isn’t what we have so we have to let it go. If women knew how much easier it is to cheat than it is to break up with a woman, they might give more credit for the men who stand up and say they’re moving on. They might appreciate the man who says something to their face instead of a text or sending phone calls straight to voice mail. I’ve broken up with a woman I cared about, and the hurt on her face is embedded in my memory bank to this day.

Breaking up sucks. Realizing we made the wrong choice sucks. Knowing this perfect woman who stands before us is not perfect for us — you guessed it — sucks. And on top of it sucking, it’s hard, sometimes harder to do than just smile, grin, and bear it. I’m not saying all breakups are noble, I’m just saying, breaking up isn’t always heartless, at times, it’s all heart. Just like it takes a real man to say “I want to be with you and only you” it takes a real man to say “I don’t want to be with you anymore.”

(written by Jozen on untiligetmarried)

literally made my day

"ATE!!!! WHY ARE YOU IN REBECCA BLACK'S VIDEO OF FRIDAY!!?" - my 9-year-old brother

literally made me laugh and snort at the sight of it. this is so legit that i'm actually embarrassed on behalf of my doppelganger. fuck hahahaha

and to top things off....

arielle's response: "ate!!! that's where you were on friday!!!!"

HAHAHAHAHA

/dead.

4/03/2011

spring break 2011

re-cap

- debut practice x3
- ivy's surprise birthday party, food + pll + taboo(team #1 wins! boo ya) + truth or dare (LOL)
- dad's birthday
- hour late for wyd meeting for vancouver participants (embarrassing)
- sleepover at cousins' place
- random adventure with cousins: delta>burnaby>downtown>yvr
- awkward photoshoot at yvr/watching planes
- sleepover again, watched hercules in hd
- watched sucker punch with noelle, hill, jay, david, melissa, jesse +others "i am good listener"
- rush home because mark comes to my house an hour early (fail)
- debut practice in the sun
- late night jam session with nic and kuya, harmonizing never-ending medleys and talk-singing hakuna matata
- early morning debut practice, chilling outside in the sun (thank you God)
- last saturday night practice (too many people at my house before i even get home LOL)
- random outing to new west with dad, starbucks and grad/debut dress shopping
- met gaby bayona at ellebay, new thrifting buddy!!
- debut changes, new developments
- michael's with mom, yarn and ribbon!
- bought grad dress :$
- finished individually making all my invitations
- finished knitting my knit braided headband
- foundations with hillary = good ol' catching up time
- started and finished knitting a bow tie!!!!!
- biking around english bay/vancouver and gelato with connie
- debut practice + "yours-mine-ours" game with cousins and steven "WAIT, you AREN'T filipino?" + sleepover with cousins, ayy
- COD with kuya and steven ...... "i can see how this is so addicting"
- supervisor interview at playland....... worth a shot hahaha
- debut practice + chilling in my room laughing at stupid youtube videos with noelle, david and kayla
- 2 pm mass + baby julliana's baptism + reception with the gloria's (always LOLS)

with the preview of the sun every other day, this break only made me want summer even more. chill, laughs, sun with the homies and family. i can't wait till i simply have no care in the the world - literally. it was nice to worry about something other than school/extra-curriculars for once, which was my debut in this case. got to invest the time it needs and things are well on their way. it's smooth sailing from here. obviously i'm still going to/have to invest the proper time into my school work but it's the last term of high school EVER. major events that seemed so far away before are only weeks away and i can't wait. in one weekend, i have prom and my debut. then only a couple weeks later, i graduate. i walk across the stage, get my diploma then dance the night away. sure, there'll be finals which will be a total bummer but after that, all i really need to do is an english provincial which will probably happen a week after grad then I'M DONE. no summer school, no worries. by then, i'll know where i'm gonna be going in the fall and all i'll be doing for june and july is relaxing and working to make some extra cash. then for all of august, i'll be in europe and if all goes well, getting back to vancouver 2 days before university starts. it's a non-stop ride from here and i'm riding first class all the way till the end.

excited for what's to come. new chapter, i'm ready for ya'

what you want

I must admit, that it's hard to not think about this when you've gone through a couple of "relationships" with guys... whether it simply be infatuation, lust, a crush, "seeing each other," or actually going out/boyfriend-girlfriend...

It's hard not to not think that you always turned out to be not what the other person wanted.

Speaking from the viewpoint of someone whose never "dumped" someone (disregarding grade 8 LOL) but more so kept away from the ones that didn't have a fighting chance... Ultimately, everyone..... left.

Sooner or later, one by one, each of them left. Reasons varying, reasons that still remain unknown to me (and even to some of them) - they all left. Many didn't leave my life entirely for on the contrary, I may be starting to have the rep of having ex'es for best friends. But my view of them and vice versa, changed. I moved on, they moved on - many happily with someone else.

I guess, I just can't wrap my head around the fact that I don't think I ever did anything wrong yet they still left. Not saying that I am flawless or the chemistry was always fully there but what I'm saying is that... I never flirted with other people, "cheated," lied, manipulated... I put my best outfit on each time I saw them and tried to be as thoughtful as I could when I wasn't with them. I was myself. Whatever variation of myself I was at the time, I was true to it. And it's hard to hear that, that wasn't good enough. That wasn't enough for them to stay. You at your best wasn't enough for them to not leave. It's as if, they liked you at first (the outer shell) to try and get to know you but once they got to the core of you, they didn't like what they saw and left; left you hanging, left straight up and told you, or left before it got any deeper.

And as harsh as that reality is, it ain't wrong. I'm not saying it doesn't happen to me. All of us say to "do you" so we look out for ourselves. We, in every right that we have, are selfish and picky because why wouldn't we try to look for what we really want? Why would we settle for something any less than? If we have one shot/one opportunity/one person we get to choose in the end, why not the one you really want.

I guess, all I can say is that to whoever my "next guy" is, to get this message. That, the second you start thinking about leaving me as all the rest have... take a good look. I mean, really look. Take a good look at what you're leaving and who you think you're leaving me for. I'm sure that sounds in every way as egotistical as it does in my head but forgive me for my last wish before you do leave.

I no where in hell believe I am exactly what anybody wants,
but maybe, just maybe, what you realize that you do want.

4/02/2011

early morning ramblings VII

tension


in retrospect, i'm probably being a huge jerk and disrespectful. i'm aware of that. but moreso lately that i seem to never be able to see eye-to-eye with you. it's like a constant struggle with you. if we're not disagreeing, we're arguing. if we're not arguing, we're shouting. if we're not shouting, we're cutting each other off. i am grateful for everything you do but for some reason, it's like theres this irritated tension between us. everything i do annoys you. everything you do annoys me.

i can't help but think, can we just chill the fuck out?!!?!?!!

4/01/2011

my love

nights like these where i am so thankful to have you.
i could so easily take you for granted because you are always there for me.
i can wear whatever i want when i'm with you, you don't care.
you keep me warm on those lonely, winter nights.
when i'm not near you, i miss you.
i love lying on you and just simply being with you.
i could spend endless hours with you.
you are my haven when the world is crazy.
when even my own mind can't give me a break, you still somehow provide sanctuary.
when i want to forget everything, you're there to comfort me.
i love you with all my heart.

thank you.


i love you,

bed.

mobile pictures

CIRCA 2009



























a clear example that it doesn't matter how expensive or top-of-the-line your equipment is. as long as you have a keen eye for a creative shot and are able to manipulate your given circumstances, you can still take a quality photo. these are some photos i forgot i had from my super old cellphone. enjoy!