welcome to heartbreak, part 3

it's always after every conversation i have like this... filled with tears and word vomit... after every desperate grasp at something that was never mine, fleeting... after all the ways i could embarrass myself... i get this moment of... clarity.

maybe not clarity per se, but i seem to always reach this state of paralyzation. i feel numb. i don't know what to think. i listen to any possible kind of music and feel absolutely nothing. i talk about my feelings to anyone who will listen. but after all of that, i don't feel anything.

"Why is it such a struggle to love when it's so easy to hate?"

(a quote from a friend's twitter)

i give. i give. i give.
i love. i love. i love.
i get hurt. I get hurt. I get hurt.
three times it's been and yet, i seem to (a) never learn and (b) never hated.

should i hate you? or do i really hate myself?

the thought is fleeting... it's passing... it's gone...

why do all the tough lessons have to hurt?

cue endless love. cue susie blue. cue clarity. i could cue every song in the book that makes sense with this post but none of them would matter.

because i don't feel anything.

i am numb.

and just when i thought i had things figured out.... i question it all over again.

"just keep me close"

i always do.

breakaway

absolutely can't wait to live on my own. be free from having to ask for permission to go to things. run on my own time. live by the honourable values and morals that i learned from my parents but not have to constantly have them drilled into my head as if i'm a 1-year-old trying to stay out later than 9 pm on a thursday night.

i'm young enough to be looked out for but old enough to make my own decisions.

maybe one day you should just give up on me. one day you need to let go of me. i'm growing up. and even though you might not be happy that you can't keep your little girl on a tight leash and stop her from growing up, at least be content knowing that she's a young, independent woman whose just as strong as you.

don't forget, you're the one who raised me.

go with your gut

and just like you said you hope, there will be someone else. now tell me if you knew that it would have a twist like this.

what does your gut tell you?

1. we're young yet life is too short.
2. can we really do anything we want?
3. the One who pushes you away OR the one who you don't know if you wanna be pulled in by?

oh life...

theatre magic

Even if a picture means a thousand words… this one and the memories along with it will always leave me speechless.

Theatre Temp, you the love of my life.
I am truly blessed to be able to experience a love like this.

Feeling pretty nostalgic as it's been my friends' play week this week and with one ending tonight and the other drawing to a close tomorrow... I can't help but know exactly how they feel. Mind you, I've somewhat been living vicariously through them because poor ol' me, never had the "I MISS THEATRE TEMP" quite hit me post-production. But now, being reminded of some things... I can't help but feel compelled to address something.

Despite our differences as individual theatre programs... it's neat to see that no matter what company/production you're in... Us "theatre kids" have this elusive "thing." This "thing" is just untouchable. This became clear when I met up with the St. Pat's gang earlier today at Oakridge during their break. For one, the huge clump of high schoolers blocking the entrance to the White Spot could be seen as either a rather odd grouping of people (to those who may know them) or to the trained eye... a family. Looking from the outside in and knowing how it felt to be in that odd clump myself, it was kinda weird as I swear it was like a mirror image of the several Theatre Temp clumps in the Film Studio. As I tagged along, I started to get an inside peak at only the tip of their group's own set of traditions. As I joined in on the galivanting along 41st, making trucks and cars honk at us; it was like deja vu as I felt like I was belting out songs on Commercial Drive just yesterday. Traditions and antics that seemed unique to each group are really just all the same; reflections of each other. Which brings me back to that..."thing." This "thing" is something that we all share. We have our own variations of it but that cool elusive thing that only us theatre kids get to experience...is that magic. It's those single spurts of pure magic that you only notice in hindsight. Looking back, what was it that made you jump on your stage manager's back in the middle of a crowded mall? What was it that made you give that guy you saw in the hallways half of your sandwich? It's... that magic. Simply put. You don't notice it in the moment. But it's that weird crazy indescribable power that being in theatre has. And I think that's why so many people love it. Not before they do it, but during it. At one point, that magic inspires each and everyone of us and gives us that single thought of, "Wouldn't it be neat... if I did this for the rest of my life?" And those who act on it, it just keeps being reflected into the next person. Because, the only way you can have that "theatre magic" is well.... with magic.

before i forget some of my own moments of magic...

• "CAN WE HAVE FOCUS IN THE PHILIPPINES PLEASE?" - Mike Stack
• spontaneous bad romance dance party on stage
• oo, i feel so good
• what it to do?
• hugging everyone 9213209721367 times
• mount lumpy
• mr. c 
• "the pain does go away"
• company bow
• raise your glass
• circle of hands
• just you > lovers' > cast family
• "these hands depend on you and you depend on them so GO BIG or GO HOME"
• faerie-related accidents
• moss exams
• faerie time care package
...and many more exclusive to only... me ;)

road to graduation

talking to my friend, david, and realized that school is gonna be a huge joke for the next couple of months especially with at least one event happening each week.

10-week countdown to graduation begins.....now!

week 1: grad fashion show (tonight)
week 2: spirit week, grad spring fling
week 3: ignite! youth festival
week 4: final week of talent show rehearsals, vancity idol
week 5: talent show, summerland shakespeare festival
week 6: prom
week 7: debut, birthday, last school dance
week 8: final student council event(s) to end the year/kick off summer
week 9: serina's debut
week 10: graduation/banquet/dance

then we just have finals and provincials to take, then siyonara bitches!!!! outta hurrrr

spring break 2011

re-cap

- debut practice x3
- ivy's surprise birthday party, food + pll + taboo(team #1 wins! boo ya) + truth or dare (LOL)
- dad's birthday
- hour late for wyd meeting for vancouver participants (embarrassing)
- sleepover at cousins' place
- random adventure with cousins: delta>burnaby>downtown>yvr
- awkward photoshoot at yvr/watching planes
- sleepover again, watched hercules in hd
- watched sucker punch with noelle, hill, jay, david, melissa, jesse +others "i am good listener"
- rush home because mark comes to my house an hour early (fail)
- debut practice in the sun
- late night jam session with nic and kuya, harmonizing never-ending medleys and talk-singing hakuna matata
- early morning debut practice, chilling outside in the sun (thank you God)
- last saturday night practice (too many people at my house before i even get home LOL)
- random outing to new west with dad, starbucks and grad/debut dress shopping
- met gaby bayona at ellebay, new thrifting buddy!!
- debut changes, new developments
- michael's with mom, yarn and ribbon!
- bought grad dress :$
- finished individually making all my invitations
- finished knitting my knit braided headband
- foundations with hillary = good ol' catching up time
- started and finished knitting a bow tie!!!!!
- biking around english bay/vancouver and gelato with connie
- debut practice + "yours-mine-ours" game with cousins and steven "WAIT, you AREN'T filipino?" + sleepover with cousins, ayy
- COD with kuya and steven ...... "i can see how this is so addicting"
- supervisor interview at playland....... worth a shot hahaha
- debut practice + chilling in my room laughing at stupid youtube videos with noelle, david and kayla
- 2 pm mass + baby julliana's baptism + reception with the gloria's (always LOLS)

with the preview of the sun every other day, this break only made me want summer even more. chill, laughs, sun with the homies and family. i can't wait till i simply have no care in the the world - literally. it was nice to worry about something other than school/extra-curriculars for once, which was my debut in this case. got to invest the time it needs and things are well on their way. it's smooth sailing from here. obviously i'm still going to/have to invest the proper time into my school work but it's the last term of high school EVER. major events that seemed so far away before are only weeks away and i can't wait. in one weekend, i have prom and my debut. then only a couple weeks later, i graduate. i walk across the stage, get my diploma then dance the night away. sure, there'll be finals which will be a total bummer but after that, all i really need to do is an english provincial which will probably happen a week after grad then I'M DONE. no summer school, no worries. by then, i'll know where i'm gonna be going in the fall and all i'll be doing for june and july is relaxing and working to make some extra cash. then for all of august, i'll be in europe and if all goes well, getting back to vancouver 2 days before university starts. it's a non-stop ride from here and i'm riding first class all the way till the end.

excited for what's to come. new chapter, i'm ready for ya'

always up cus my mind doesn't know when to give me a break

It's always the wee hours of the night where I finally decide that I have done nothing and it is now time for sleep when I can't. Everything and anything pops into my head and I hate it because I just wanna sleep and forget about all of it.

- I hate that things aren't going my way.
- I have so many things to do for Grad Transitions....tedious.
- Should really get to my supplemental applications.
- Opening night is in 3 weeks. I need to be off-book by Friday.
- I feel like everything is working against me. Everything just feels like a struggle.
- I wish I had my Nikon back </3
- I need to order Artona pictures.
- I have a Math test on Monday that I have no confidence in writing.
- I am embarrassed.
- I am scared.
- I am tired. More so than usual.
- I really hate the song choice for the opening sequence, I am not gonna lie.
- I am nervous about certain people.
- Even the closest person in the world to you will never fully know you. Everybody has their secrets.
- Fake it till you make it.